Six Ways to Celebrate Your New Engagement

- With giant yellow donuts:

Mmmm. Doooonuts.


- With "lots" and "lots" of "hearts."

"Perfect."


- By planning ahead.

Way, way, WAY ahead.

- By stressing the importance of family:

Actually, Darth Vader fighting Luke in honor of an impending marriage is kind of awesome. Let's just hope your in-laws have a good sense of humor.

(And make sure the baby shower cake looks like this.)


- By comparing your new life together to violently killing things:

"Here we see the groom taking aim at his violently diarrheatic bride-to-be.

"Ah, young love."

(Don't worry, kids; he's only going to tranq her 'til the green diarrhea stops.)

Or, of course, there's always the old standby:

- A syrupy sweet public display of affection that'll leave your guests sick to their stomachs:

"Dude. Some of us are trying to eat over here!"

Thanks to Sandy S., Abbey A., Matthew W., Rachel C., Naomi H., & Jule Ann H., who are so syrupy sweet they should be on a stack of pancakes.


But I am not advocating cannibalism.

I'm Grad, I'm Grad, You Know It, HEEE hee!

Graduation season is upon us, which means you're going to be seeing a lot of stuff like this:

But then, I guess you see guys in sunglasses driving trucks pretty often anyway.

Still, when it comes to celebrating your graduation, not just any cake will do. We're talking years and years of educational accomplishment here! You need something special. Something momentous. Something, dare I say...groundbreaking?

Booyah.

(I dubbeth thee "earthcake.")

Or, for those who like things a little twisted:

The Grad Tornado.

(Get off my lawn!)


You could also go the "Wait...what?" route:

Are You Grad! Are You Grad!

Wait.

What?


Well, if all else fails, there's always the simple, heart-felt, "Congratulations":


Or, sure, something like that.

Thanks to wreckporters Tracie K., Jessica S., Shelley G., John I., & Heather W. for the education.

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Class Acts

Hey there, teachers! This week is for you! So, in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, we'd like to say thanks to all teachers, past and present, the only way we know how:

With embarrassingly ironic school cakes.

It's the least we can do for you, teachers. After all, you've taught us so many invaluable lessons.

Like punctuation...

Read this out loud. You'll sound like "William," "Shatner."

...basic math...

I'm guessing the flux capacitor costs extra.

...and creative writing!

This is why you don't submit cake orders via Twitter.

Yes, teachers, if you hadn't taught us these basic skills, we might end up looking like total boobs!

And just think what would happen to our stick-figure drawing skills!

You're responsible for molding us from the very beginning...

Sure, just put those letters anywhere.

...all the way into adulthood, preparing us for the outside world!

I gradulate this wreckorator for making me water the keyboard. Through my nose.

So, teachers, we salute you - because even if I broke the safety scissors, slept through class, and skipped most of Senior year...

...I don't think I turned out so bad, after all.

Thanks to Aimee S., Anonymous 1 & 2, Cassandra B., Cassie P., Holly H., Jennifer C., and Sarah F. for these school house wrecks.

Say, have you thanked a teacher today?

Gootchie Goos

Jen and I have been in D.C. this week to visit some friends, see the sights, and catch the plague like we do every time we leave the house. Of course, one of the best parts for me was getting to hang out with our friends' two kids, who are both as adorable as baby sloths yet have enough energy to power Detroit.

Now, we don't actually have children (unless you count the ones with claws and hairballs) but this trip has put me in a baby kind of mood. Granted, I'm as seedless as a bag of lettuce*, but indulge me, won't you?


*See also:
Sterile as a box of Band-Aids
Fruitless as a butcher shop
Pulp-free

Technically, it's also of girl.

I think that's spelled "Toby."

You're right: "3 Times" was just silly. Much better to cross out the "s" with that exclamation point.

Ok, nobody panic. We're just gonna need some hot towels, a flashlight, and a low voltage car battery. And no sudden movements.


Well, yee-haw! Good for you, son!


And finally,

Guess Who!!

Aaaaand the baby mood is gone.


I do, however, miss my cats.

Hey Kelly R., Merideth J., Kimberly G., Danielle R., Beverly S., Anony M., Susan G., & Sarah W., is there a doctor in the house?

Conversation Starters

Show of hands: who got a box of conversation hearts yesterday? You know, the chalky little candies printed with whimsical messages of friendship and affection? Like "Booty Infl8n?"

Ok, now put your hands down. You're just embarrassing yourself.


I only ask because some lucky individuals received cake or cookie versions of the famous candies yesterday, and I'm wondering if they're all as whimsical as this:

Hey, it's no "huge me," but I'd take it.


Well I'll try, but darned if I know what "MNE" is.

Gosh, I've never been called neck wear before. Um...thank U?

Aw.
The best part is this doesn't make me want to run away and file a restraining order at all.

If you're asking, then a) Seriously? and b) No.

And you're going to need another your/you're refresher.

Seriously.

No, seriously seriously.

Come over here so I can slap you.

On second thought, stay over there.
Way, way over there.

You know, part of me thinks this simply has to mean "Sun Shine"...
but the other part remembers how to write a capital S.

So I'm torn.

Thanks to wreckporters Mike L., Jennifer M., Erin, Mariel K., Sarah, Noah E., Andrew T., Amy Z., Jacque K., & Susan R., who think we should give 'em something to talk about it: LOVE.

And then maybe a dictionary.

The Question Mark Is In Case You're Just Getting Fat

Love,

Your Co-Workers

(And also Jamie M., who thinks you're positively glowing.
Or that you need to lay off the break room donuts.)

Happy Boss'es...Boss'...Bosses...Bossy Day!

Quick! How do you spell the singular possessive of "boss?"

Nooo...

Well, there IS an apostrophe...but no.

(Also, what is that? A frosted book?)

You're getting closer. You just need to lose one of those letters.

Not that letter.

Wait. "Nappy Boos's Day"? With a period? Seriously? Maybe this is a lost cause...

A-HA!! YES! You spelled it ri...oh. Wait. No, you're still wrong here. See, the plural of "boss" is just "bosses."

[rubbing temples with eyes closed] Um. Ok. Look. Yes, you did spell the plural of "boss" right, but "Boss's Day" is possessive. Plus you spelled "you're" wrong.

Now, "possessive" means that...[blinking]...ah, screw it. Can you just write the word "boss" so it's not plural OR possessive?

I'm really starting to question your taste level.

And you still spelled "you're" wrong.

Look, I don't think avoiding the issue is the answer. And stop saying, "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays." That pin was lame in 1982. It's not getting any better.

[sigh] Alright, look, you want to see the perfect cake to get your boss? Something that gets right to the heart of the matter? Something spelled correctly, and conveying just the right amount of gratitude?

Then here:

Mission accomplished.

Jeneec K., Eric, Annette, Michelle O., Jennifer N., Angela P., Mandy W., Kate C., & Anony M., I say from now on we call it "Bossy Day." Who's with me?


Note from John: Yes. Some people accept Bosses Day as correct. However, if you think about the fact that this is a day for either your boss or your bosses, it really should be Boss's Day or Bosses' Day. Of course the original singular possessive of boss was Boss' but I think this hurt our American brains so we added the s. Just make sure you never use Bosseses' Day. bossbossbossbossboss

In Soviet Russia...

...is always boy!

Unless is a girl.

Is girl!

Hey Mary P. and Leslie P.! Legyeebox.

Something About Moose

My fellow Americans! Today is a great day. A momentous day. A day...

...to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving.

[cranking up Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On"]

Yes, friends, today...we...CELEBRATE....allthingsCanadian. Which....INCLUDES....WilliamShatner. (aka Captain Kirk)

And as we all know, Captain Kirk "boldy goes:"

Sometimes under the name "Shayne."

But let's get back to Canada, shall we? CANADA! The country with a "can-do" attitude!

Or is that a "can-da" attitude? The accent always throws me.

Besides, today is Canadian Thanksgiving - or, as the native Canadians know it, "Thanksgiving."

I'm told it's pretty much like American Thanksgiving, only with a Canadian flair:

There's that accent again.

Canadians also don't have any Pilgrims in their Thanksgiving story. So instead, here's an evil mutant ladybug:

"Rawr! Give thanks, eh! Rawr!"

Lucky Canada. Why don't *we* get evil mutant ladybugs? Huh? It's just not fair.

But riddle me this, Canada: have you ever seen a turkey fly?

No?

Well, now you have! Booya!


Happy Thanksgiving, Canada, and happy Columbus Day, other countries that celebrate Columbus day. Oh, and bzzz bzzzz zzz bzz, turkey flies.

Today we give thanks for Wreckporters Shayne G., Brian O., Joe I., Michelle H., Jamie G., and Turkey McFly.

Update: Anneke submitted this awesome video in the comments. And you have to admit: nothing says "Canada" like an adorably polite talking beaver. Am I right?