I Guess The Butt Was Laughed Off?

I like Dexter. I know it's a horrible show and I shouldn't, but I do. (This is John, by the way. Jen claims she'd rather "exercise" than sit through a single episode. Harsh.) Still, there's one thing missing that I think would make Dexter truly great: puns.

Think about it. The occasional "good" CSI-style pun could transform Dexter from a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner into a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner...with puns.

Allow me to demonstrate. (With a little - ok, a lot - of help from Jen.)

Random cop 1: "Hey, Dex! Take a look at this blood splatter in the garden."

Dexter: [serious look] "Well, I guess the killer didn't stop... to smell the roses."



Random cop 2: "Oh, man! It looks like the victim's nose was sliced off with a cheese grater!"

Dexter: [putting on sunglasses] "Hmm. I smell a rat."

Random cop 4: "And his feet were thrown over the back wall!"

Dexter: [taking off sunglasses] "So you're saying he got a little...foot loose."

Random cop 753: "I think we found the rest of him over here by the tool shed! Does this look like murder to you, Dex?"

Dexter: [putting on sunglasses again] "Ab-solutely."

Random cop Bob: "Cause of death appears to be a small steel marble lodged in the brain. The vic was a famous marble-collector, but a few seem to be missing from their cases."

Dexter: [squinting] "So losing his marbles was the last thing to go through his mind."

Random cops: [applauding]

Random cop 8675309: "What the...? Hey, Dexter, I think we have an extra limb over here!"

Dexter: "Huh. Maybe the perp was looking to get a leg up on killings."

[silence]

"No? Ok...uh...

"This is a killer who never toes the line."

[everyone avoiding eye contact]

"Still no? Ok, ok, I got it:

"Looks like those little piggies went, 'Whee whee whee! We're DEAD.'"

Thanks to Kelly M., Joanne D., Jenny W., Emma R., & Anna I. for putting murder...on the menu.

Although I don't think I'll be eating again any time soon.

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HaiCakes!

Sometimes I find a wreck or two that makes me feel all poetical and stuff.

These...[dramatic pause]... are those wrecks.

Barren winter tree

on a giant bare cookie.
Woo. Celebration.

Circle of sprinkles

instead of decorations
because it's break time.

A fish in the sky.

She turned me into a newt!
But...I got better.

Packing foam peanuts,
A big shiny pile of...wait.
Is that Tiana?


Blue, orange, yellow.
A cheerful makeover for
the eye of Sauron.


And now, let's hear a piece from the king of beat poetry himself:


(via wimp)

Spot on, Data. Spot. On.

Thanks to Ellen B., Rachel W., Jodee R., Meg G., & Lizzie B. who also have hedonistic predilections for demonstrations of affection, but we don't talk about that.


Note from john: Today's comment board kerfuffle shall be titled: Orange: One syllable or two?

Artsy Fartsy

[adjusting bow tie] "Welcome, gentle beings, to the grand opening of SplüüRff.

[faint applause]

"All of our works here tonight have been created by world-renowned artists, and are available for sale for far more than you can possibly afford. So, let's begin.

"Our first piece was painted by Japanese artist Noh Wei using traditional oils. Her inspiration was taken from the ocean, mother earth, and the organic nature of the gore splatters in Bikini Slasher Kill Zone 4: Revenge of the Waxers"

"It sells for $490,000.

"Our next piece comes from Swedish craftsman Joques Onyu. Joques spent three years in isolation to focus on this masterpiece, during which time he subsisted solely on prune juice and Ranch flavored Bugles."

"It sells for $893,000.

"The much lauded Yuki Grohs is known for her daring and unconventional techniques. This piece, for example, was constructed using squeeze mayo while the artist was blindfolded and spinning around on a wheelie office chair."

"It sells for $10 million.

"Another avant-garde darling of the art world, the 'Do' Dude uses his trademark combination of gold leaf and 'personal bodily secretions' to both shock and intrigue viewers."

"This mixed-media masterpiece sells for 11.2 million.

"Please feel free to browse the rest of our gallery, where you'll find even more distinguished masterworks, such as:

'Summer Daisies for Janet'

$7.5 million

'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair'
$27.5 million

'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez'
$17.5 million

'Texas'
$6.66 million

"And, of course, our most coveted new piece...

'Coffee Cake with Icing'
$6.00

Thanks to wreckporters Christie R., Aimee W., Alyssa H., Holly L., Laura M., Christy S., Liz C., Anita M., & Stephanie F. for the art attacks.

Annual Wreckage Review

"Good season, bakers, good season! A lot of you showed up, some of you made some stuff, a few gave roughly 65%, and I'd say this Easter was our 'best' yet!

"Now, let's review how our new designs performed this year. Elmer? I believe you have some numbers for us?"

"Yes, thank you, sir. [starting slide show] First up, our 'Clown Face Bunny' here made a huge impression in the 3-7 age bracket...

"...but, unfortunately, most were screaming too incoherently for us to make much of their feedback.


"Next up, 'Dalek Face' seemed to garner a lot of attention from college students in particular:

"Plus at least one customer was spotted chasing his girlfriend yelling, 'EXTERMINATE,' so I'd call that a 'win.'"

"'Bunny brick,' however, went over like a ton of itself:

"I think next year we should add a tail."

"Our cross-over design for Passover, 'Rabbi Rabbit', also had mixed reviews:

"Something about an explosive head injury? I don't know. You guys see anything wrong here?"

"'Well, moving on, 'Ninja Bunny' made a killing, in a manner of speaking:

"So I'd say we made a good call on the throwing carrots."


"'Baby Bunny Cake' was also a hit...

"...er, with cats.
"Yes, I know it's strange, but we had several customers wander over from the pet aisle, and they told us their cats loved the feather accents. So that's a keeper right there."

"'Puddle o' Poo,' however, actually got a few complaints:

"It turns out our marketing team was wrong: people only like chocolate icing poo when it's featured on Cake Wrecks. To quote our Marketing lead Stacey, 'Our bad.'"

"And finally, our Simpsons tribute lamb may need to get chopped next year. (Heh. Aheh. Little joke for you there.)

"Ahem. Yes, it turns out, not everyone loves Moe the bartender. So next year Marketing suggests we try a Maggie model, with a sugar pacifier."

"It's gonna be awesome."

Thanks to our Wreckporter Review Committee Kay S., Meghann M, Leanne P., Beth P., Alicia F., Katie G., Caitlin T., & Julia S. See y'all next year!

The Easter Bizarre

I know we've been seeing some odd Easter treats this week, so today I thought we'd get back to basics.

After all, nothing beats a nice, time-honored, classic Easter...

...loaf of bread.

Yep, Easter is now infecting spreading its cheer throughout the entire bakery!

Just look at this happy character:

Cocaine Bunny sez:

"I'm your monkey fighting FANTASY! Just check the tag." [sniff]


Other bakeries are endorsing bunny-cide in more...creative ways:

Because the Alien chest-burster scene always makes me hungry.


Speaking of which, this one gives a whole new meaning to "Alien face hugger":

When it comes to spotting Wrecks, he's all ears.


Next we have the traditional Trojan Rabbit:

Just don't leave it unsupervised come nightfall.

Thanks to Christine C., Sue, Bliss B., Ali M., & Shannon C., who think two Monty Python references in two days is just wrong. After all, everyone knows THREE is the number thou shalt count.

Easter EGGcellence

Ok, bakers, huddle up!

Now, listen: Easter is coming. That means a lot of long hours, hard work, and painstaking effort on your part to ensure we make some of the most beautif...BWAHAHAHA!!

AHAHAHAHAA!!

[wiping eyes] Sorry, sorry! I really thought I'd get through that with a straight face this year. Heehee!

Right: start your airbrushes! I'll see you back here in five.

Bee-YOO-tiful.

Nice aim on those jelly beans, Jim!

And good call on the "Peep Peep." That'll clue 'em in it's not a swan or a banana or something.

Not bad, but I can still see a little icing. Can we get a little more plastic in here?


And speaking of plastic, here's a great recycling tip:

St. Patrick would be proud.


And remember, bakers: the more plastic, the less time, skill, and hassle!

I made this one in 15 seconds.

With my feet.

(Aaaand that'll be $14.99, please. Cha-ching!)


And lastly, I don't actually know what this is...

...but it looks like a really efficient use of time. So let's make a few dozen more.

Thanks to Stephanie J., Angela M., Alexandra M., Shay K., Tony D., Diana Y., & Stephanie R., who think that's supposed to be a bunny rabbit.

[staring in stunned silence]

Well, one thing's for sure: You're not getting a Peep out of me.

Window Pain

Bakers, in case it's been a while, this is your friendly reminder to go ahead and spruce up those window display cakes. After all, without them the customers might have to rely solely on your signage to evaluate your baking skills:

And nobody wants that.

("I'll take a Sahara and two small Mojaves, please.")

Now, your display cakes say a lot about your bakery. Ideally, you want these things to be positive, like "Look! Our cakes don't show the dirt at ALL!"

Or, "Yes, we CAN cut out small pieces of paper!"

Or even just "Divorce!" written in German:

Your displays also showcase the things that are most important to your bakery.

Like spelling:

And the fact that you never make the same mistake more than twice:

And finally, remember: when it comes to drawing in potential customers, you can never go wrong with a really good wizard cake:

Guaranteed to work like magic.

Thanks to Elizabeth R., Mary I., Erin Z., Kate, Catherine C., & C.M., who think that last window might have a few kinks to work out.

The Incredible, Non-Edible, Plastic Clown Head

It's time to talk about the most versatile tool in a baker's cake-decorating arsenal:

The plastic clown head.

Devotees of the Wilton brand know this staple of cakey flotsam has a long and colorful history:

A history made even more colorful when the clown-headed pink dog is pooping a giant pink rose.

(So, in his defense, this clown's poop really does smell like roses.)


Over the years, the plastic clown heads have really gotten around:


And around...


And...around:


After all, they were so darn versatile!

I mean, what better way to perk up your flowers?


Or add a lively accent to that jungle theme?

Think of it as Bozo's version of Easter Island.

In fact, this time honored tradition continues today, only with slightly more modern sensibilities:

Death becomes him.

And the sprinkles aren't bad, either.


Yep, you could say today's Wreckerator knows just how to take these classic tools of the trade and use them to their fullest and most meaningful...uh...

I'm sorry, but do these uteri look funny to you?

Hey! Guys! What are you doing here? Your post was last week!

Ovary funny: don't try cramping my style, funny guys. I know a fellow peon's pro creation when I see one, period.

Many thanks to wreckporters Katie C., C.B., Hannah C., Penny H., Roisin O., Erica H., Meaghan W., & Melissa M., who think you should really read that last line out loud. Just...'cuz.