There is no black and white...

Only shades of gray.

Well, at this bakery, at least. The order was for a black & white cake done in polka dots. Evidently the decorator decided that "black & white" meant to mix the two colors together, resulting in the lovely cement color you see here. Then, after using the airbrush to make the cake surface look like an advanced stage of leprosy, he or she decided it still needed that little extra "something": more dots! (And I love how the dots only go around the airbrushed bull's eyes, never over them: it kind of looks like ants swarming around their mounds.) Then, to finish it off (in more ways than one), said decorator slapped on an off-center birthday greeting - minus the exclamation mark, of course; such a display of festivity would be sorely (pun-alert!) out of place.

The bakery was so proud of this masterpiece that they refused to refund the birthday girl's family any money - even though she cried at the sight of it. [Shaking head sadly] Yeah, kids these days...I guess they just don't appreciate art when they see it.

It's a Texture Thing

"To reduce paper consumption, local elementary schools are having students practice their handwriting skills at area grocery store bakeries. More news at 11."

If this was the visual, you'd have to believe it, wouldn't you? Check out how the word "happy" is in all caps, but "birthday" is not. And then, inexplicably, the name is in cursive. It's like the writer was practicing different handwriting styles - or 3 toddlers each took turns writing.

Hey, the average person should know that the word 'birthday' is longer than the word 'happy', right? Can we agree on that? Good. Now look where this person started writing 'birthday'. Yeeeah.

This whole word-spacing thing wouldn't have been an issue, of course, if the person responsible had simply turned the cake right-side up. (You did notice it's upside-down, right? Of course you did, faithful Cake Wrecks reader!)

But perhaps worst of all is the fact that it looks like the yellow Teletubby poo'd out the whole inscription. Seriously, just look at it. Tell me that writing doesn't look the teensiest bit fecal.


Karen D, I'm so sorry you actually had to pay full price for this.

And They Say Customer Service is Dead

Apparently this cake was ordered from an upscale local bakery, but when the customer came to pick it up the order had been "misplaced". To remedy the situation, the decorator on duty - no doubt in a rush of self-sacrificing heroism - grabbed another finished order, wiped off the inscription with a paper towel, and wrote what you see.

So, on top of the big cloudy wiped-up area, the inscription is misspelled and in quotation marks. And while we're on the topic, what is with the wide-spread love affair between cake-decorators and quotation marks? Is it written on the order that way? Are they just practicing their mad piping skilz? Or do they assume everything written in icing is somehow less sincere? (I "Love" You, "Happy" Birthday, Thanks for Being Our "Dad", etc)

At any rate, let's all "Congraniate" "Nicole" and "Mark" on finding the best "customer service" in town. And guys, we mean that. "Really".

I'll Take My Chances

Either this is the new "Russian Roulette" event in a Competitive Eating Competition, or someone is trying to tell the cake-lover in their life to start prioritizing. If said cake-lover is anything like me, however, he or she would be reading the word "Poison" with 3 bon bons already stuffed in her cheeks, chipmunk style.

And lest you think the odds are 1 in 6, like I initially did, look again. There are actually bon-bons ringing the whole cake, so your odds are more like 1 in 30. Well, assuming you only eat one, of course, which we all know would be against the laws of nature.

Aside from the possible poisoning attempt, this cake also breaks the laws of good taste by employing a sporadic color palette, sickly-looking yellow "flowers" (I use the term loosely), and a general over-use of the star tip: it looks like someone decorated the whole thing with a Redi-Whip can. Also, if we're to assume those red things are berries (see, John? I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt!), why are most of them centered on the "leaves"?

You know your mom is cheap when...

you have to share your own birthday cake. With a boy.

(Yeah, I'm taking Ashley's side. Why? Because a) she likes Disney stuff, b) she's enduring what I'm assuming must be a sports logo on her birthday cake, and c) she's a girl. But mostly the Disney thing.)

I like the unintentional irony of having Eeyore on the cake, though. A glum donkey for a glum-ass cake - it's quite appropriate. Still, I have a few questions:

1) Since the "Eagles" logo is blue, why is the icing green?
2) Can anyone see the colors green & purple together and NOT think of either Mardi Gras or the Joker?
3) How come Glen gets his name capitalized, but not Ashley?
4) Did anyone else first read this as "Happy ashley Birthday Glen"?
5) Doesn't Glen's side look bigger? Hey, I think it IS bigger. Mo-oooommm!!!

Birthday cake for the last post?

It's a term of endearment. Really.

"You'll find he is a whiz of a wiz, if ever a wiz there was!"

I think someone was rolling in the poppy fields a liiittle too long before making this cake. I certainly can't imagine that the Emerald City has ever been portrayed with such a, shall we say, "male" point of view? (Get it? "Point"?) It certainly was erected a bit crookedly, but I won't penalize the decorator for that; he or she made sure that the magnificent seven up there did come in varying sizes. (I'm SO not going there...) And how unfortunate that the lighting reflects pink on the, er, "spires".

Lindsey T from CA, I'd say you struck gold with this find.

Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys

This cake is so disturbing, I'm almost glad the picture doesn't include the whole thing. The plastic clone babies wearing naught but mohawks are bad enough, but then they're also riding carrots. What do you do with that? It looks like some kind of perverted vegetable rodeo, or maybe a bizarre clone military exercise, what with their little plastic fists raised high in identical salutes.

And what kind of occasion calls for a "naked babies riding carrots" decor, anyway? No, wait, maybe I don't want to know...

When Men Design Their Own Cakes

A groom's cake is the curious wedding tradition by which the husband-to-be celebrates his inner geek/jock/die-hard fill-in-the-blank fanatic in cake and icing form. This often involves sports logos, hunting paraphernalia, x-box consoles, or my personal favorite: the giant snickers bar.

This groom's cake, however, has taken a cake genre already known for its ridiculousness and lowered the bar even further. Here we have what appears to be a cut raw mid-section of rainbow trout - which, while disgusting, I guess makes sense if the guy is a fisherman, grocery clerk in the seafood section, or sushi enthusiast. What defies the imagination, however, are the daisies scattered across the trout slab. I mean, daisies? Really? Like, I dunno, the raw trout torso just needed that extra feminine touch? Why not slap the whole thing on a doily and be done with it?

The bakery responsible lays the blame squarely on the groom, explaining that the guy had a dog named Daisy and so wanted daisies on the cake. Yeeeeah. Fellas, stick with cool Star Wars grooms' cakes, will you?

I think this needs a whole new category...

Nothing tells Dad you love him quite like a slab of cake that looks like bloody meat. Yeesh. However, since it was executed well (get it? "executed"? I kill myself. Get it? I "kill" myself? I'm slaying you in the aisles, I know. Get it?) I've had to invent a whole new cake category:

[Drum roll, please]

The new category IS...
"Close-Your-Eyes Cakes"

[cymbal crash]

Because while we can appreciate the talent required to make a cake that looks like, for example, a bloody steak (I mean, just look at that fat casing!), we don't really relish the thought of eating it with our eyes open. We're pretty sure we'd be half-cringing up until the last second, praying all that "blood" really is icing.

It's Rude to Stare

Even if the shower cake IS modeled after the guest of honor's ginormous rack.

I have a confession to make: I really don't like attending baby showers. There's all the frippy little decorations, lots of cooing "mom" types, and those obligatory shower games which were undoubtably invented by a woman on the verge of a murder/suicide. However, I think this cake would liven up your average baby shower. I mean, just watching a room full of women in flamingo capris and sun dresses trying to compliment, much less cut, this cake would be bona fide entertainment. "Why, Doris" (looking mom-to-be up and down) "it looks just like you! Er, would you like a slice of boobie?"



Thanks to Kate E. for the photo!

Makes Ya Wonder What the Card Said...

For that matter, does Hallmark even have a herpes section? Hm. Oh, and just for my own personal reference - how much do you have to whine about minor skin irritations to get yourself a cake?

But you know, the best part is that whoever gave this cake managed to convey an effective "Get over it, you ninny" while still getting brownie points for doing something sweet. How perfect is that?!? I'm going to have to re-evaluate my whole nagging process. I wonder how well these would work on a cake:

"Yay! You finally put the seat down!"
"Happy Hangover! Here's to many more!"
"Let it go already."
"Guess who's PMS'ing?"
"Who needs a working car/AC/dishwasher, anyway?"
"This is dinner."
"We were on a break!"

Anyone else have suggestions?

Can You Make a Freudian Slip in Icing?

Because I think someone just dii-iid! [sing-song voice]

In addition to the surprisingly obscene well-wishing, this cake also suffers from a lack of grammar skills (it's a run-on sentence, and yet the "M" is capitalized - and why two periods?) and a hideous color scheme. I think those things in the corners are supposed to be rosebuds, so why are they grayish purple with blue squiggles? Some repressed feelings of inadequacy, perhaps? Hmm?

The Way All Apologies Should Be Made

Sincerely, honestly, and with copious amounts of sugar. Take note, guys.

I'd Still Eat It

My husband took one look at this and declared it the least appetizing cake he'd ever seen. Bingo! Today's post!

Ok, granted, that may be how "Clare" spells her name, and the other spelling error may be intentional (though I couldn't hazard a guess as to why...), but we cannot ignore the brown dripping goo with the pink roses - we just can't. In the words of my hubby, "Blech-ag-ack".

Oh, and I love the huge kitchen knife waiting in the wings - you can almost hear Mr. Black Shoes saying "Take the picture, will ya? I'm hungry!".

What, ANOTHER Obscure Bank Holiday?

Ok, obviously this cake decorator has some mad skilz: great balloon placement, excellent use of color, and I particularly like the confetti sprinkle to icing squiggle ratio. Really, my only criticism can be that he or she thinks "Myjiantbirthday" is one word. (And lest you think this is only a spelling error & spacing issue, look closely: those letters are all connected, my friends. Ergo, one word.) But you know, as mistakes go, that's kind of a doozie.

The Anti-Wedding Cake

Dude, that's harsh.

Proof That Computers Will Never Rule the World

This is legit, folks: never think that I don't do my research! Apparently the store in question had an online ordering form, which then linked directly to the edible-ink printer. Granted, you would think the decorator might catch this glaringly obvious mistake, but in that person's defense, he or she is only paid to slap some icing roses on, ok? So lay off! Oh, and that will be $19.95, please.