Cake Secrets

Because sometimes Wreckerators need to confess anonymously, too.

"My boss made me sweep the floor, even though I didn't make the mess. So I swept up, and then made her a special cake...

"...which somehow got set out for sale."

"You know that third time I asked you to spell 'congratulation' for me?

"I was totally messing with you."

"My watch is in there."

"Sometimes I like to draw vaguely obscene things on cakes...

"...and then tell your kids they're Oompa Loompas."

"I've never seen Star Wars."

"I told you it was a grill, but to be honest...

"I don't know what this is, either.

"Oh, and I licked the spoon."

"I really, really, REALLY....

"...don't like kids."

"I told my managers it'll never happen again, but...

"...wait'll they see where I put Snow White!"

Monica R., Sarina, Jes H., Kelly W., Heather S., Dee P., Marissa C., & Brian B, your secrets are safe with me. And everyone else on the Internet.

Oh, and if you guys like Post Secret, check out Frank's tour schedule; he may be coming to a city near you!

Somewhere in Germany...

"Tyler! Stop hitting your sister. Oh, look, hun! A bakery with an outdoor cafe! Let's stop in and get a treat for the kids. Whaddya say, Madison? Sound good?


"Oooh, wow, it all looks good! So hard to decide. Well, I think I'll get a couple of the chocolate donuts for the kids... Oh! And I'll have some of that cherry cheesecake. Yummy... hm? What's that, hun? Oh, ok. ...And my wife would like a big ol' slice of the dong cake, please!"

"Tyler! Get your face off the glass!"

Ah, Europe! You're so... European.

Thanks to Andrea G. (And yes, the smiley face really did have to be that big.)

Update: Listen! I really can't put the uncensored version up. (I know too many 9 year olds who read the blog.) But if you really want to see it, email me at comments(at)cakewrecks.com and I'll send it to you. Unless you're 9. In which case shame on you for even asking.

Update to the update: I have now sent out well over 300 uncensored dong cakes. I gotta tell you, if someone had asked me five years ago what I'd be doing in five years, I probably wouldn't have said, "Sending out explicit pictures of dong cakes to curious readers of our cake humor blog." I feel dirty. But in a good way.

Off Color Remarks

For many years now - in fact, for just about as long as I can remember - I've been Polish. Sure, I'm also Irish, German, Iroquois, Russian, and a shameful bit of Swedish that we don't talk about, but mostly I'm Polish. You can tell by my mom's maiden name which has 17 consonants and 2 vowels. But that's not the point.

The point is, my Polish brothers and sisters, that we of the Land of Pole have been the butt of jokes for many a year. And frankly, some cake decorators aren't helping the situation.

Allow me to illustrate.

This is the Polish flag:

Let's take a moment to admire it whilst humming the Polish National Anthem, shall we?

HMMM HMMMMM HM HM HMM HUUUUM
HM HM HMMMM HUMMM!
HMM HM HM HM HM HM
HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

And now, allow me to present the Polish flag cake that brings shame on the land of my second great great uncle on my cousin's sister's husband's side:

What, the Wreckorator thought we wouldn't notice?!? Huh?

I mean, c'mon, our flag is way wider than that.

Thanks, Cristen. Oh, and for the rest of you: keep in mind that the two comment moderators here are me and my sister Anne-Marie, and we share slightly warped Polish/Irish mean streaks. So comment...carefully.

Best comment so far: ugh, I wouldn't touch that with a 6 foot Pole (wait, how tall are you?)-tjbmurph

Ba-Loony

It's the beginner's basic: one round(ish) glob o' icing, and one string.

And yet...

Yeeeeah.

Er, sorry, but I'm afraid writing it doesn't make it true.

Well, I AM seeing something that starts with a "B"...

[looking around] Er...

[waving] Hi, kids!

Dude. Are those teeth?

You know what to do when you see packs of wild balloons running in opposite directions, right?

Thaaat's right: Check the expiration on all your prescription meds.

Look at this next Wreck long enough, and you'll begin to ask yourself some interesting questions:

Questions like, "Which way is up? Which way is down? Is that green circle supposed to be the string? And if so, why aren't the balloons attached to it? Hey, am I being Punk'd here? Is that show even ON anymore? And where did my friends go? Do I seem strange, standing here alone in this bakery, questioning a cookie? Answer me, random old woman walking by! ANSWER ME!!

"Oh. Sorry. Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis, now did I?"

Look out, Kerri. They've organized, and they're coming.


Which reminds me:

I bet it's a girl.

Early C., Tracy C., Heather P., Tiffany H., Vikki, Kim M., Kerri K., & Stacey, I'd say something about the sprinkles, but that just seems rude, you know?

And Another Thing...

Oh, and you look kinda funny, too.

Now, who wants ice cream?

Thanks to Katie B., who prefers her slice of brutal honesty with mint double chip.

Wrecks Ahead? Here's Your "Sign"

Thanks to Aurora C., who can "decorate" any "caxe" you throw at her.

So watch yourself.

Employee of the Year

After more than thirty years of service, professionalism, and good old-fashioned kindness, everyone at the company was sure going to miss ol' what's-his-name.

Thanks to Melani X., who loves Matt Mike Mark that guy like a brother.

Sunday Sweets: Cartoon Cakes

Time for some heroes in a half shell!

By Lena's Designer Cakes

Cowabunga, dudes!

Ok, raise your hand if you saw the movie in the theater. As a teenager. With your mother.

What? Just me?

Ok, then, how about a Scooby Snack?

By crazebake cakes and cupcakes

That is fondant-free, my friends! Fondant-free, and fantastic.


This next cake is to make up for our Gummi Bears earworm post the other week:

Actually, that's a lie; I'm about to stick the song in your head again. (Brace yourself.)

Guuuummi Beeears!
Bouncing here and there and EV'rywhere!
High adventure that's beyond COMpare!
They are the Gummi Bears!
THEY ARE THE GUMMI BEEEARS!!

Here's a sweet detail shot, before all the figures were added:

Sub'd by Emily, and made by Liz of Artisan Cake Company (who gets special props for having an amazing airship/steampunk themed website. Love it!) Click the link for lots more great detail shots.

I know we weren't all raised on the great cartoons of the 80's and 90's, though, so here's one of them new-fangled shows, the Backyardigans:

(Baker unknown. Help me out?)

And from Invader Zim, here's an adorable GIR cake:

Submitted by Sonya P., made by Paula French (with help from Liz of Artisan Cake Company)

He loves tacos, methinks. Perhaps too much.

Another show I've never watched, but that seems to get the gosh-durned cutest cakes, is Yo Gabba Gabba:

By Alessia of Free Spirit Cake Co.

Someday I'm getting the toy yellow robot from this show, and you can't stop me.

It gets even better, too: check out these life-sized versions:

Sub'd by Justin G., made by Karren's Specialty Cakes

Actually, I'm just guessing on the "life-sized" part. Are they supposed to come up to your shins? And more importantly, does anyone mind if I hug the green mop guy? Yes? No?

Ok, enough kiddie cartoons. How about a little Futurama?

Made by Alliance Bakery

This is reader Denise G.'s wedding cake, y'all. Her WEDDING CAKE. (Denise, I believe my invitation must have been lost in the mail...)

Here's another shot:


And we can't forget the teensy little wedding cake between Fry and Leela:

(The figures are vinyl toys.)

Awesome!

And finally, let's end with everyone's favorite beer-guzzling slob:

By Erin Salerno

D'oh!

The details here are just mind-blowing: look at the tiny books! And the tiny phone! And the giant, half-eaten donut! :D

Btw, I believe Erin is still recovering from an accident that severely injured one of her hands some months back. So Erin, we wish you all the best, and hope you're back to blowing our minds very, very soon!


Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com!

Sharks Bite

{Welcome back to your favourite prime-time brine crime drama- "Crab Cakes: Ocean Justice!" Before the commercial break, Crabtown was faced with its most terrifying nightmare yet: Someone drank all the coffee! But something more frightening is just around the corner...}

"Help! Someone, please help me!"

"If I move, he might see me."

"Yummy fish in belly time! NOM NOM NOM."

"Not on the Sheriff's watch, you great white JERK!"

"No one escapes my disturbingly mutated claws of justice!"

"Sheriff, look out! There's another one behind you!"

"Hahaha! You'll never escape us! Come here, ya' old chum!"


"That's IT. I'm not taking any more guff from these sharks! C'mon, Crabtown! Let's kick dorsal fin!"


"Your pitiful confidence is no match for my razor-sharp teeth... OF DEATH!"


"Oops. I crabbed my pants."


"Well, our Sheriff will show the sharks who's boss! Won't you, Sheriff? Go on. Tell them!"


"..."


"Sheriff?"


"Don't worry, guys! I have a sure-fire plan guaranteed to make those sharks leave us alone! FOREVER!

"Hey, sharkies! Say hello to my LITTLE FRIEND!" [whipping out photo]


"His name is Mr. Snuggly Buns."

[sniffle] "That's the saddest thing I've ever seen! Please, no more! We're leaving, I promise! C'mon, guys; I hear the west shore has some real cream puffs."

Whew! That was a close call there, but the Sheriff and Pickly Pete saved Crabtown once again! Tune in next week when we find out: Who drained the community pool? Where in the world is Crabmen Sandiego? And what happened to all the potato salad?!?

Rolling credits: Jacquie G., Alana G., Sara G., Meaghan I., Amy T., Michelle N., Tina A., Amy C., Jen K., Sara H., and Kati D.

This Calls For a Par-Tay

Birthdays and weddings? Pshaw. That's nothing. How about...

...celebrating your favorite fashion fetish?

And I love cake! We should be friends.

No, you can't borrow my yellow boots. Yes, I know they're awesome. No, sorry, you can't "just hold one for a minute." Hey, what are you...are you smelling my shoes?!? Dude, this is getting kind of uncomfortable. You know what? How 'bout you just give me my slice of cake and I'll go eat it in my cubicle?

Ok, so maybe fashion fetish cakes aren't the best idea. How about obscure lines from 60's sitcoms?

Here's a story

Of a lovely lady!

(everybody, now!)

Who was something something very lovely something!

Something something...something...

something...
.....

AND THAT'S THE WAAAAY WE BECAAAME THE BRADY BUNCH!

Alright, maybe some of us don't remember the Brady Bunch that well.

HOWEVER, who couldn't use a cake like this?

Perfect for blind dates.

(The visual is in case they happen to be illiterate. Or Canadian.)

And once the honeymoon's over, there's always this handy design to let your mate know exactly where s/he stands:

Or, in this case, sleeps.

[It says, "You're in the doghouse now!"]

It's kind of a mixed message, though, don't you think? I mean, I'm in the doghouse, but you're giving me...cake? (Granted, a vile cupcake cake - ptooie!- but still.) Hmm. Yeah, I've thought it over, and you know what? I *still* think those pants make you look fat. So THERE. And I hear there's a sale on sheet cakes today. Just thought you should know.

And speaking of repeat offenders...

If loving your favorite gun enough to celebrate it with a cake is an offense, then call me not guilty. (I prefer cannoli. Unless it's an automatic, of course; in that case, I go with the more traditional JELL-O Jigglers.)

"But, Jinn," you're thinking - because now you've confused me with a bottle-dwelling genie, or maybe that guy on LOST - "Jinn, I don't *have* a favorite gun to celebrate! Or any gun at all!"

Well, my sadly confused friend, never fear; no matter who you are, or what you're celebrating, I've found a cake that will truly go with any occasion:

It's like a one-size-fits all.

Assuming the "all" is one person, of course.

Thanks to Alison D., Becky K., Sondra D., Kasey R., Laurie R., & Mia L., Mia L., Mia L., who I believe are all Canadian. And I love them. In fact, I love Canada. I love Canadian stuff. The fact that I've chosen to make Canada my knee-jerk nemesis for this post is really just a reflection of my deep-seated love and respect for this country and its people. 'Cuz they can take a joke. And won't, for example, hunt down errant bloggers with packs of wild meese. (That IS the plural of moose, right?)