Mum's the Word

Wow, I'm almost sad it's Halloween; I have oodles more Halloween Wrecks to share! (So take note, Wreckporters: get your Thanksgiving Wrecks submitted early.)

Let's see, we've covered pumpkins and ghosts and spiders, but I feel like something's missing from our Halloween line up...

OH! I know! This is:


Erm.

Hey, John R.? What'd you say this was again? A mummy? [checking photo again] With a red hair bow? Seriously? Wait - that's a cookie! Does that even count?

Hm, well, let's see what Amanda M. dug up for us.

Amanda thought this was some kind of spiderweb, but my Wreck radar is telling me it was supposed to be a mummy head. It's also alerting me to the fact that this is a dreaded CCC, so we'd best move on.

Ok, here we go: that's actually recognizable. Kudos, Annie D.; I bet you never thought this would be the best looking one, huh? Still, I include it as a base of reference for this next one:


Yep, Stephanie S. reports that this was actually labeled "Mummy Cake". As opposed to "Ticked-Off Cross-Breed of a Storm-Trooper and a Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle Cake".

And the award for "Least Effort Exerted in Making Overstocked Cakes into Halloween Cakes" goes to:


Like you, I thought that surely this design (found by Amy W.) was a one-store fluke. But then I got this from Jessica K.:

Ack! The smiley face mummies are everywhere! And they're surrounded by nuts!

Still, I don't think any of those Wrecks can compete with what Michael G. uncovered:

Words fail me. The stringy white stuff, the eyeballs, the two fingers...yep, I got nuthin'. Y'all will have to help me out here: what the heck is this? My best guess is a melted mummy, but I'm sure you guys can come up with something better.

Andrew Zimmern Interview

Andrew Zimmern is the host of the Travel Channel's hit series Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, and today his website posted a super nice interview with yours truly. So now you can learn about the shameful contents of my refrigerator and where I got my penchant for puns here. I know, I know; your life is now complete. You're welcome.

And Now the Conclusion of The Spider Wreck Chronicles

Ok, I think yesterday's post was getting a little Wreck-less there, what with the cute dreadlocked spiders and all. Sorry. Here, this should help:

One smashed spider extraordinaire, coming up! Don't you just love those bloated little legs, the pimply red dots, and how they moved him after air-brushing the board? Oh, and just to mess with your sense of perspective: that red thing above the eyes is not another unibrow; it's his mouth.

I'll give you a moment to reorient yourself. (My ear hit my shoulder the first time, too.)


Now brace yourself, because next up is the most frightening Spider wreck I have ever seen.


Tell me that doesn't look like a demon-possessed Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. Remember Snuffy?

That's truly terrifying, people. What next, a zombie Micky Mouse? Stop messing with my childhood icons!

Now, I'm told these cookie decorations are supposed to look like spiders on their webs:

But I'm pretty sure they're squashed ants on target boards. C'mon, four legs? How lazy are these decorators getting?

Of course, some err in the other direction:

That's 10 legs on the guy on the right. I'm also wondering if these spider puff balls are solid icing, 'cuz if they are then I couldn't think of a more appropriate inscription. Yeesh.

Thanks Caycee H., Shawn A., Kayla B., and Vanessa C.!

The Spider Wreck Chronicles

Not long ago I told you all about a Wreckporter who was foiled in her attempt to photograph a spider Wreck. Since then many of you have sent in photos asking, "Was this it?". Of course I have no way of knowing, so we'll just have to ask Mrs. Tantrum. So, hey, Mrs. Tantrum, was this it?


For what it's worth, this one isn't TOO bad. Other than the fact that the legs are sprouting out of its face like whiskers, of course. And all that black frosting. And the disturbingly ambivalent mouth expression. And the fact that it's a CCC. Yep, not bad at all.

In fact, from what I've seen that is actually the most popular style of spider cake out there. Here are some more colorful models:

This one at least has its face in the right place (always a good thing), but I'm not sure what's going on in the mouth area. Plus, that Haunted gingerbread kit in the background is pure Wrecky gravy.

I would be remiss if I didn't include the steamrolled model:

Plus, yellow? Really? This looks more like a colorful dust mite, or maybe an alien brain with tubing attached, but a spider? No way.

Or how about this guy - or should I say 'girl'?

Sure, she looks more like a muppet with dreadlocks and a bald-spot than a spider, but she's so gosh-darn cute!

Speaking of dreadlocks...

Cha mon, dese be some hoppy Rasta spiders! They be jammin'. And really, have you ever seen pipe cleaners look so delicious?

Alyss H., Rebecca S., Valerie S., Katie M., and Tina F., tune in tomorrow for the terrifying conclusion to...

[dum dum da dummm] The Spider Wreck Chronicles.

Ghosts with the Most, Continued

This is:

A) the fabled Ghost Genie of Graceland, said to occupy the King's old rhinestone jumpsuits and known to terrorize tourists with his swirly bouffant 'do and tiny T-Rex arms

B) the Michelin Man after an unfortunate smelting accident

C) cloud porn (if you don't tell your kids, who will?)





Hey, that's cheating - the ghost is made of plastic! Thank goodness for the airbrushing, tri-colored tree spikes, and two disapproving pumpkins (see below); or else this wouldn't be a Wreck at all.


Pumpkin #1: "Hey, what's with the ghost's purple nose?"
Pumpkin #2: "I dunno - maybe he got a boo-boo. Get it? 'Boo-boo'? Ahahahha!"
Pumpkin #1: "Dude. You are so annoying."
Pumpkin #2: "Or maybe he inherited it from his transparents? Huh?"
Pumpkin #1: "Forget I said anything. Really."
Pumpkin #2: "Oh, wait, I know! He had too many spirits last night! Get it? 'Spirits'?"
Pumpkin #1: "Somebody cut the cake already. I can't take it anymore."


Thanks to Leanna P. and Shawn A.!

Ghosts with the Most

The most wreckiness, that is.

The label says "The 'Boo' Cake", but it looks more like a "boo-hoo" cake - that, or "when ghosts scream". I guess this is why ghosts shouldn't wear mascara, huh? (Get it? Ma-SCARE-a?)


Some say 'carpe diem' (seize the day) and others say 'carpe jugular' (seize the throat). I'm guessing these cupcakes are more the latter:

Huh - I've never seen ghosts with claws before.



The ghost on the left looks like a cheerleader with pom-poms. The ghost on the right looks...uh...[noting kids in the room] ....cheerful. Yeah. Like, giving you his full attention kind of cheerful.



These teeny-tiny "cupcake" creations are almost as bad as Cupcake Cakes. Not only do the bakeries leave the paper wrapper on the cupcake, but they also pile on enough icing to make even the most die-hard sugar addict develop a facial tic.

As for this particular Wreck, I have just three words: "albino squid mouth". And "ick". Ok, so maybe four words.


Thanks to Barbara A., Susan G., Heather A., and Punketta D.

Sunday Sweets: Autumn Awesomeness in Atlanta

Today's Sweets are brought to you by Highland Bakery in Atlanta, Georgia. The folks over at Highland routinely churn out the most jaw-droppingly gorgeous creations the South has ever seen, and I'd be hard-pressed to pick a favorite. So instead, I just chose some season-appropriate lovelies.

Doesn't this look like a giant Hallmark figurine? (I mean that in a good way.)

The cobblestones, the twisty vines, the gnarled posts! There's so much more to this cake than the cutesy mice. (Although the mice are pretty darn adorable, I must admit.)


I don't think I've ever seen sugar art looks so much like porcelain - just look at those leaves!

Mmm, sugary mushrooms...


Next up: a perfect pumpkin:

I just love the simple design and creamy colors. I think cakes overall should use more orange, too, don't you? Year-round, I mean: orange is just underused.

Many thanks to Karen and the gang over at Highland Bakery for the lovely work, and for not hanging up on John when he said he was calling from Cake Wrecks. ;)

Great White Snark's Top 5 Awful Dalek Cakes

One of the few blogs I keep up with these days is Great White Snark, a geek entertainment blog. Since Mike of GWS seems to enjoy skewering sci-fi cake wrecks there from time to time, I invited him to share the snark with us over here on Wrecks. I also (rather selfishly) suggested he do a feature on Dalek cakes, since I was raised a proper Doctor Who fan and love to stay in touch with my geek roots. (If that last sentence made no sense to you, then you're just going to have to bear with the rest of us geeks for today's post. Sorry.)

Now, Mike doesn't usually concern himself with our "professional-only" rule, but for this feature he did obtain permissions from the bakers in question - just so you can have all the guilt-free chuckles you like. So, enjoy!


In cakery--as in many things--good intentions and earnestness can only get you so far. And then you need good looks. Right? Imagine a world where Ross Perot has his own reality dating show on Fox and then tell me I'm wrong.

So when I swing a callous word or ten at these cakes based on the, uh... "likeness" of Daleks (mechanical mutant aliens) from the BBC TV series Dr. Who, remember that I'm a shallow, shallow man fixated merely on appearances. My words do not reflect upon the care, goodwill, and love that went into these cakes.

(Although, for my money, "love" means giving someone at least a halfway-decent-looking cake. C'mon, people.)

For the record, this is what an actual, honest-to-goodness Dalek looks like, for you non-adherents of esoteric British sci-fi TV shows:



And now... won't you join me in my callousness? (Or in my shallowness. Reader's choice.)


5)

Source

This bloated bastard is the Dalek cake that ate the Dalek cake that had been recently chastised by its doctor for its dangerously unhealthy weight gain.


4)

Source

Kind of a sad little guy, isn't he? I look at this and think, "The perfect 40th birthday cake for the man who's given up on his dreams."

3)

Source

This started down the road for "Dalek cake," but took an unexpected detour at "Nah, let's just cover a banana with whipped cream and stick some chocolate balls on it, because I've got a wicked case of the munchies after that bong hit I just had."

2)

Source, inspired by: 1 and 2

I'm sad to report this Dalek looked perfectly respectable before an ugly incident with an angry, runaway microwave.

1)

Source

Is it just me, or does the top half of this "Dalek" remind you of the giant, asteroid-dwelling creature from The Empire Strikes Back that tried to eat the Millennium Falcon?

Bad space snake. Bad.

Find more awful geeky cakes (and awesome geeky cakes!) at Great White Snark.

Wreckplicas

You readers have some mad skills when it comes to recreating your favorite Wrecks. Check out the "Homicidal Horned Boo-Boo" Wreckplica Mary Beth's friends made for her birthday:

I think lighting his hair on fire was a nice touch, don't you?

Wrecktastic Pumpkin Parade

With Halloween fast approaching, bakeries are churning out the ghoulish designs faster than you can say "baffling unibrow":

Is this a pumpkin, Jacob L., or breakfast? I'm seeing scrambled eggs and a spotty banana here. And a rat with wings. But let's just ignore him and hope he goes away.



This looks like it was made from upholstery foam and melting plastic, although Lauren D. assures me it was tasty upholstery foam and plastic. So, you know, it's got that going for it.


Shannon B. found this one. Not only is it a seriously wonky pumpkin with drippy mold issues, it's also being served on a platter of earthworms. Eeewwww. (Also, what is that thing behind it? A giant yo-yo?)

Then there's the half-pumpkin-wheel with telephone-cord-tailed mice:

Very, er, curly, Melody P. Yeah, that's it: curly.


And lastly, Leilani S. shows us how Krispy Kreme is getting into the spirit of things:

Wow, those pumpkin donuts almost look too good to be true, don't they?

Ah, right: that must be because they are:

Dirty-Minded Decorators

Aw, look at the sweet cake for Sarah-Maude's second birthday:


[squinting] Although, those balloons look a little odd, don't they? Let's take a closer look...

[eyes bulging] Great Scott! Hide the children!!

And I KNOW you see what I see, people, so don't even try to accuse me of having my mind in the gutter. It's the Fireman cake all over again.

Eric N., thank goodness this was for a safely oblivious 2-year-old. Still, given how obvious those balloons are, I'm pretty sure I'd steer clear of this bakery in the future. Unless it was for a bachelorette party, of course.

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

The Mutant Eyeball Decapitators are coming! The Mutant Eyeball Decapitators are coming!

Field Wreckporter Lydia A. reports that these insidious body-snatchers have abducted a bevy of ballroom dancers, and are currently terrorizing local bakeries' display cases. They carry the heads of their hapless victims and are often accompanied by disgusting black squid-like creatures, which has prompted at least one 8-year-old boy to declare them "way cool". Readers are encouraged to keep an eye out for these monstrous mini-menaces.


And by the by, these perfectly illustrate my #1 problem with doll cakes: synthetic hair in the frosting = me being reintroduced to breakfast the unpleasant way. Yech.

UPDATE: It's official: y'all are feeling the love for mutant eyeball cakes. Who knew? :)

Save the Ts AND the Vs

In case you've missed all the pink ribbons, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. A few bakeries took this as an opportunity to roll out their "best" (note my restraint in the pun department) designs in celebration of breast cancer survivors everywhere:



Ah, such a labor of love. Nothing says "celebration" and "strength" quite like a pepto-pink cake with "Survivor" misspelled across the top. At first I thought that paper cut-out was actually on the cake, too, but my eagle-eyed hubby assures me it's on the plastic lid - thus blocking our view of the white "ribbon". Which is the wrong color. But hey, one ribbon out of two ain't bad.

Fortunately most cancer survivors I know have an amazing sense of humor, so we can hope this cake went to a Cake Wrecks reader who could appreciate its wrecktastic nature.

And while we're on the subject, John would like to register his vote for this to be put on a cake:

Very nice, dear.

(And in case you're curious; that's a car magnet. I found it over on Amazon here.)



Thanks to Amanda H. for the scoop on the cake, originally uploaded here.

It's a Wreck Off!

Alright, 'fess up, decorators: you're TRYING to outdo each other with the Wrecky cupcake cakes, now, aren't you?

Well, you leave me no choice. That's right, folks:

IT'S A WRECK OFF.

Now, let's go over the rules again, shall we?

1) Both cakes must be of the same subject matter, and the same basic form or shape.
2) The "winning" Wreck shall be the subject of scorn at company water coolers the world over for exactly one business day: no more, no less.
3) There are no other rules.

And....Begin!




Well, folks, the Pastel Piranha came out swinging, taking full advantage of all that lumpy icing to better showcase its full pound of edible glitter. It's also showing its true colors "airbrush" style, and frankly, I think that creepy smiley face just may take home the prize today.

Ah, but wait, what's this?

OH! A devastating entrance has been made by Crazy Clash!


Wow, just look at that form. The hypnotic swirls, the glistening green slime, the death-pale torso! Crazy Clash may not float like a butterfly, my friends, but its design certainly is stinging my retinas like a particularly feisty bumblebee, I can tell you THAT.


What do you think, readers? Do we have a winner?


Michelle B. and Heather N., don't tell me this was staged: that just takes all the fun out of the sport.

Sunday Sweets: Spooktacular Wedding Cakes

Most of the Halloween-themed wedding cakes I've come across are heavy on skulls and light on charm. So, I wanted to share a few truly spectacular specimens, inspired by - who else? - Tim Burton.

For the Nightmare Before Christmas fans:

Made by Let Them Eat Cake.

And my personal favorite, for Corpse Bride fans:

Made by Melissa Capyk of Wild Cakes.

If you look closely, you'll see those are delicate blue butterflies floating around the cake. Gorgeous!


And lastly, how cute is this guy?


I think he'd make a perfect wedding favor - that's my excuse for including him in this post, anyway. ;)

Thanks to Amanda C. for the cupcake submission, which was originally uploaded here.