You, Too, Can Have Teletubby Poo

Step 1: Order a cake with colors that rival Andy Warhol's paint palette, and have lots of beer on hand to wash it down.

(Ah, nice choice. Are you sure you have enough beer, though?)

Step 2: Consume. The dyes will stain every and anything they come in contact with, including clothing, skin, and vital organs. Observe:




Step 3: Wait for Mother Nature's call. Enjoy this foray into the world of technicolor poo.



[PHOTO REMOVED] (You're welcome.)



Step 4: Consider becoming a vegan. ;)



No, I'm not a vegan, folks. But I'm pretty sure blue poo should make us reconsider our dietary habits, don't you?


Sarah, I hear an herbal detox is good for this sort of thing.

Dial-A-Wreck

Remember how we all loved the game "Telephone" in kindergarten? Well, add in a cake, and the fun never stops!

This order was for a "black high heel":

(It's a hill, people. Get it?)


Specifying punctuation is always tricky:


Although I suppose if Aunt flashed Mom that would liven up the party, and it's certainly preferable to Aunt slashing Mom.

(Ok, this one is tricky, I know: the order was for Aunt/Mom - a slash, in other words.)


Here we have a beautifully done blue horse. Unfortunately, it was supposed to be a blue house.




If your message is "Philip...Woohoo!", and you actually have to say the words "dot dot dot", be prepared for just about anything.




And of course these never get old:


Although interestingly enough, I think that icing IS light pink. I guess the decorator was covering all her bases.

Which brings me to our new category: "Literal LOLs". These are some of my favorite kinds of Wrecks, so keep an eye out, Wreckporters!



Thanks to Danielle M., Stefanie D., Rachel S., Michael T., and Chandra.

Boobs!

Check out what they're selling over in merry ol' Ireland:


And here I thought Ireland was just a country of rainbows, shamrocks, and lilting-voiced innocents frolicking through the fields. You know, because like every good American I make it a point to base all of my stereotypes on popular breakfast cereals.

This is one instance where the packaging hugely overshadows the cake itself. I especially like the font choice: it's like they were going for "suggestive" and ended up at "crazy deformity" instead. And despite the "busty" claim, this is actually a pretty tame cake. Here submitter Rachel S. and friends set up a comparison shot:


Well, Cute Overload has Cats 'n' Racks: I guess now we have Cakes 'n' Racks. (And no, you may not start sending in candidates for the new category, ladies, no matter how clever you think your new cupcake holder is. We have standards here, doncha know.)

Meet the Snark Behind the Curtain

Hey, y'all! I recently did an interview with Sasha and Rick over at cakelava. Want to know the real definition of a "Wreck"? Where the idea for the blog came from? How many times a week I STILL get the Wal-Mart cake e-mailed to me? Then click here!

Be sure to check back tomorrow, too, for the second half of the interview.

Cake Writing 101: The Art of Spacing

"Alright, class, settle down. It's time to go over last week's pop quiz on inscription spacing, and I'm going to tell you all right now: I am not impressed. Laura? Are you here? Ah, there you are. Laura, would you be so kind as to tell the class just WHAT you were thinking when you made this cake?"


"What's that? You were trying to center the name? Well, emphasis on 'trying', huh? And I suppose it never occurred to that pretty little brain of yours to curve 'congratulations' - you know, like we covered in class just last week? Oh, do stop blubbering and take it like a decorator - geesh. They give me a bunch of pansies these days. Hey, where are you going? You get back in your seat, young lady!

"Alright, fine, since Laura would obviously rather blubber in the little girl's room, let's move on to Katie's cake."

"Katie, my blog is 3 column: why is your cake? Were you planning on pasting in some ads and a blog roll on the sides? No, you do NOT get extra credit for it being "almost" centered. What do I look like, a charity? Oh, and Katie? Do you happen to remember any of the three HUNDRED times I've lectured on the improper use of quotation marks? By that blank doe-eyed look you're giving me, I'd say no. Imbeciles. I am surrounded by imbeciles.

"Chris! Just where do you think you're trying to sneak off to, hm? Well, before you rush off, why don't we all take a look at your creation."


"Chris, congratulations. You managed to take a perfectly reasonable 3-line greeting and cram it into a beautifully centered 2-line inscription, and for no discernible reason. Bravo. Really.

"Now, what half-wit among you is responsible for this?"

"Sarah, I don't care how pretty it is, this is a class on spacing! Did you just get tired halfway through writing the name Brittany? Because that's what it looks like! And don't think I don't see those quotation marks, little missy, because I DO. Just for that, you get to wash all of today's piping tips - by hand.

"And lastly, Doug, against all odds yours was actually the best of the lot - although that's hardly saying much."


"Still, since you produced the least horrific example, you may leave early today. The rest of you, prepare to practice until carpal tunnel leaves your little hands as twisted as my wife's idea of 'fun'. Now mach schnell!"



Thanks to MR for the 1st photo. The rest I found all by myself. :)

The Readers Have Spoken

And apparently you all want "cakes" with more sole.


Honestly, I've been e-mailed this so often I'm getting a haddock, and I'm starting to think there's something fishy going on here. Did the cake's non-baker shellfishly do this on porpoise? I'm not hard of herring, you know; I just couldn't fathom why you all would want a sushi "cake" on Wrecks. But then I figured, hey, I'm just being crabby - why not post the photo?

You know, for the halibut.



Thanks to the roughly half-zillion of you out there who sent me this link. And before you ask, why yes, I am a Dr.Demento fan.

When Hunter/Decorators Bake

Here we have a cake so testosterone-charged that I bet any female within a ten foot radius will spontaneously sprout a beard and crave flannel. No tinker-toy plastic deer or tractors for Robert - hoo no; this is a guy who eats danger for breakfas... er, I mean dessert. No sissy exclamation points after his name, either: "Robert" must always be pronounced with deadly determination. In fact, after this he's going shark-fishing: alone, in a rowboat, at night, and with only his trusty blade, lure, and flashlight to aid him. So you'd best cut him an extra big slice.


Thank you! Celeritas

Cakes For All Occasions

As you all know, some Wrecks are only Wrecks because of what the customer ordered to be written on them.

These are those Wrecks.



Harsh reality, sweet messenger.




Submitter Dan titled it best: "Cake for a Cheerful Nihilist".




Looking on the bright side?



Hey, this one seems familiar...




Feelin' the love.


As a Wrecktacular bonus, go back and read all the cakes in order. Freaky, eh? It's like those ransom notes made from newspaper clippings, only using cakes. Now what's crazier: the fact that these cakes exist, or that I have enough submissions to piece together almost-sentences? :)



Today's Wrecks brought to you by Amber J., Dan B., Kristen P., and James S.

A Magical Bakery Tour

Today's post has been lovingly ripped off from Wrecks reader Greg H. Greg sent me an e-mail with the following photos and commentary, and has already been duly warned of the impending plagiary (though I will admit to some minor editing). Enjoy!


"Welcome to Magical Cake Magic! Allow me to show you some of our creations."




"First we have Mr. Bony-Hips the cat. Isn't he just the cutest as he stalks his prey?"




"Then there's the ever-popular 'Decaying Camo Fish'. Almost fresh and always delicious!"

“What do you mean that’s unappetizing? Well then, how about the ‘Castle Warfare’ cake? We put in red and orange gumballs to simulate the severed heads. Also, we construct 50% of the cake from paper towel and toilet paper rolls so your little ones are assured plenty of fiber.


“Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want to place an order? I haven’t even shown you our ‘Teddy Bear Drowning in a Jacuzzi’ model!”

"Or the 'Birthday Sarcophagus' and 'Noah Saves the Rare 2-Headed Giraffe'!"






"Ok, well, I can see you have to rush off now, but be sure and remember us for your next occasion!"



Thanks again to Greg H.!

Why Are the Children Screaming?

"I don't get it - we just brought out the cakes, and poof! Mass hysteria!"



I'm not sure which is worse: Dead "Lips" the Clown or Homicidal Horned Boo-Boo here. On the plus side, I'm guessing any parent who serves these will never have to buy circus tickets for the kiddies ever again. Of course, that benefit might be slightly offset by all the therapy those kids are going to need...

Stephanie L. and Katie H., do you suppose these decorators had TCE's as children? (That's "Traumatic Clown Encounter".)

Celebrity Wrecks

Sure, they're rich, famous, and always get to fly first-class. But guess what? They get Wrecks, too.

These "olives" (in honor of Kristin's character Olive on Pushing Daisies) aren't too bad, but the bakery decided to make a nicely symmetrical pair instead of the single olive requested. I simply cannot imagine why. [wink]

This was made for the 10th anniversary of P Diddy's record label Bad Boys. Given the caliber of that lil' homeboy elephant-baby on top, though, I could have sworn it was for a baby shower.

"This cost me how much?"

The Hulk's family recently celebrated how "greatful" they were for their son Nick.


And the "Unbelievably Insensitive" award goes to...

...whoever thought it was a good idea to remind 10-year-old Bindi that she doesn't have a father anymore. On her birthday. (The most un-funny Wreck I have ever witnessed, folks.)


And last but not least, guess whose sweet sixteen cake this was?

That's right: it was for our very own crotch-grabbing soprano himself, Michael Jackson. Because every 16-year-old boy dreams of having a giant wicker basket of roses on his birthday cake. [shaking head] I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to feel a whole new sympathy for MJ. I mean, who knows what kind of cake trauma was inflicted here?

So, dear readers, the next time you bring home your misspelled and/or tragically decorated Wreck, be comforted by the fact that even fame and riches would not have spared you. Cakey wreckitude truly does unite us all. :)


Thanks to Annika W., Emily R., Holly Z., Hel E. for the pics, and to the many readers who sent me the Hogan link.

"Cake" Cruelty

Ladies and gentlemen of the cake community, I come to you today with a matter of grave concern to us all.

Allow me to present exhibit A:



These seemingly innocent "cakes" are instead a threat to all the sugary goodness we hold dear. Observe:


Once sliced, you will note that these "cakes" are not cakes at all. Instead, they are layers of various meat and mayo-based salads, bread, and then - here's the worst part - "iced" with cream cheese. Note how the creators of these twisted impostors then push the deception even further by decorating the "cakes" with little roses, vines, and piped borders.

I ask you, fellow carb-lovers, are we to allow such cake defamation to stand? Will we sit idly by while our children and grandchildren are subjected to cakes that are not cakes? And if so, what next? Liverwurst doughnuts? Tuna-filled eclairs? Meat pies? (Oh, wait...)

Nay, I say, nay! We shall rise up, and as one declare that our butter cream icing must remain unsullied, our baked goods pure in sugar. Join me, and together we can make our world a place of fat, sugar, and dairy-based products for all!


Melissa P., thanks for calling my attention to this adjusted unjust injustice. (Seashell-Selling She, eat your heart out.)

Gosh, Kermit, I Think I'd Get That Looked At...

The store selling these cakes (oh yes, there are more!) claims that they are watermelons.

Riiiight.

As you can see from this other example, the "slice" appears to have drifted southward over time, resulting in the truly unfortunate and rather alarming spectacle you see here. In fact, this guy could be the new spokesman for certain "personal care" items, don't you think? Can't you just see him bouncing across your television screen, his squeaky voice telling you to "ask your doctor if HerpAway is right for you!"?


Thanks to Bahktin for the pic, originally posted here.

This Calls for a Celebration!

Would you believe someone's boss actually brought this into the office? (Or should I say, "The Office"? It certainly looks like something Michael would order for an office party, doesn't it?)

I love that someone - either the customer or the decorator - felt that "sexual harassment" needed to be illustrated. And I realize that the decorator can't be expected to be Picasso or anything, but check out how far the girl's feet are off the ground. Either that was the Spank Heard 'Round the World, or she's on an invisible step while Chuckles there digs for gold.

Before you ask, yes, I hear the boss got in some deep doo-doo. Can't imagine why, though; I mean, it's got a big red "NO" symbol over it, doesn't it? And all those spanking demonstrations were purely for educational purposes, so really, what's the big deal?

I Believe the Children are Our Future

"Teach them well and LET them lead the way,
Show them all the [juvenile delinquency] they possess insiiiiide…"


Because every four-year-old is searching for a hero, that’s why. And if that hero can bus’ a cap with his 9 mil (check the photo), so much the better.

Play on, Lil’ Derrick: play on.



Thanks to Mary B. for pointing this one out over on Photo Basement.

In Honor of the 2008 Olympic Games

Such skill.

Such dignity.

Such...parentheses?

And quotation marks - can't forget the quotation marks:


(Three guesses what the customer asked for on the cake!)


Julie S., this one most definitely deserves a gold medal.

Play It Again, Wrecks.

Proving that the lightning of horrendous taste does indeed strike more than once, here are some designs that may look a wee bit familiar:

Remember this?
Here's another bride who thought an edible version of herself was a smashing idea:

We can only hope that the baker wasn't finished when this photo was taken, of course. I would assume this is the "topper" for an edible skirt - but it's anyone's guess why there are no arms.

Next up: remember the unforgettable baby bum cake? Well, it evidently started a trend:

This just might be more disturbing than the original Wreck, since there isn't even a possibility of the front end existing. It's just a bisected baby with waxy-looking legs being cruelly taunted with that tiny little teddy bear. I mean, really, how's she supposed to play with that? Sheesh, some people are so insensitive...

But(t) wait: there's more! Yes, if that doesn't strike your fancy, here's an assortment of bums to choose from - with the added dubious advantage of looking absolutely nothing like a baby's lower half:



Continuing the shower theme (since it tends to be the worst offender), let's move on to the Wreck that introduced the word "wachungas" into my vocabulary:

As many of you have pointed out, this is actually a beautifully done cake: it's just a wrecktastic design. Brace yourself, though, because this is about to become a veritable beacon of subtlety and good taste. Ready? Here goes...

I think I saw this outfit modeled on one of Maury Povich's "Who's the Daddy?" episodes.


But even that is restrained compared to this:

Because every woman who's 8 months pregnant just loves getting Brazilians and lounging in a teensy tiny bikini...with her stethoscope.

Um. What?

Oh, wait, I get it! The stethoscope is cold, see? That explains the whole Cuban missile crisis issue going on up there, if ya knowuddamean.

And lastly, please put down any food or beverage items, because I unfortunately must remind you of this dry-heave-inducing creation:

Everyone still have those beverages at a safe distance? No food in your mouths? Ok, good. Proceed.


And with that, I will leave you. Enjoy your lunches now, y'hear?


Thanks to Joy D., Stephanie F., Summer, Marz, & J.B. for the photos.