Now THAT'S Italian

Today's post has a special Read-Along Feature!
Press play before scrolling down to get the full "Italian" flavor.

Ay everybody! Giusseppe Sarducci here froma Ma Biga Freakin Italiana Cake located ina beautiful downtown Trenton. We specialize ina making da biggest, freakina cakes you ever dida see. An we gotta somatin new!

Looka dat!

Even da leetle Bambina, she knows! She'sa sayin, "Ay! Dasa one biga freakina cake! I mean looka dat! What isa dat, lika twenty-seven feet a cake?! Who needsa more cake dena dat?!?

Now you might be asking youself, "Isa ma cake gonna be so beautiful like the one ina da picture?" You know it!

Firs, we starta wita da cake which isa twelve eenchess high, ten eenchess wide ana twenty-seven feet long. Den, we squeeze rowa after row ofa brown "icing" ona top.

[kissing fingertips] Bueno!

Denna, we take what we lika to call "dirt" ana we put dat ona top too!

Isa so beautiful!

Finally, we taka a biga tubba cream, ana put DAT ona top, too!

Everyting go ona top!

Ana one more ting! Ma uncle Guido, he make'a da bessa squiggles ana dots you eva dida see so we puta dose ona da cake too! It's mucho cucina bella farfalla cappelini lasagna!! Mach schnell!

So calla Ma Biga Freakin Italiana Cake today. Because ifa is nota Freakin Big...

...is nota cake! Ciao!

You mighta wanna check out our Five Minute University too!

Where Dreams Come Through

Welcome to BisneyLand, the amusement park that's in no way affiliated with Disneyland, but is just as good - and cheaper, too!

Once you enter the gates of our mystical castle-land of joy, you'll be greeted by our lovely royal ladies:

Cinderallie and her clear resin shoes are always the hit of the ball.

Princess Yasmine and her flying doormat will show you a "whole 'nother world."


And TinklesWell the Winged Wonder is sure to be your day's #1 delight!


We also have fabulous entertainment:

Princess Areola and her pals Haddock, Skittle, and Captain Crabby Pants may prefer life "under the ocean," but they still enjoy singing their big musical numbers, "Check Out My Cool Stuff," and "I Can't Talk, So Let's Make Out!"


Kids young and old will love dancing with Snow Light and her seven short friends with beards:

They'll soon have you "Hee-Hawing" off to your own place of employment!

And don't forget Pretty, our good-looking girl:


And of course her friend Not-So-Handsome!

Together they invite you to "be our visitor!"

Anony M., Allison M., Clau, David I., Amanda S., Mona S., & Kristyn, how crazy would it be if a place like this actually existed? Oh, wait...

Sunday Sweets: The Anti-Nerd

Recently Jen and I have been informed that we put up too many nerdy Sweets. Being the big ol' nerds that we are, we hadn't really noticed. I suppose it's kinda like telling your local undertaker he wears too much black.

So, in order to cater to the needs of the many NON-nerds who read this blog, we've decided to push up our taped glasses, strap in to our Authentic Star Trek TOS Captain's Chair Replicas, and dig deep into our archives for the least... nerdy... cakes... ofalltime. [<-- my Kirk impression]

Engage!

A teapot:

By Fantasticakes

Because nerds only drink Red Bull.*

A sandwich:

By The Cake Gallery

Because sandwiches are for jocks.*

Makeup:

By The Cake Mamas

Because nerds don't need makeup while playing StarCraft II in the dark.*

A birdhouse:

By Whimsy Cakes

Because seeing birds - or their houses - would mean leaving the comfort of our computer caves.*

Lady bugs:

By Alana Hodgson

Okay. This might be slightly nerdy.

Butterflies:

By Sweet Stuff Cake Art

See "birds."

Toast and other homemade foods:

By The Icing on the Cake

Because nerds don't make their food. Other people do that.*

Turtles:

By Love To Cake

No reason. I just thought we needed a turtle in this post.

A banana:

By Kahlan4

Because they require far too much effort for us nerds to eat.
Give me an automatic banana peeler and we'll talk.

And finally, what might be the most mind-blowing cake I have ever seen in my entire life:

By Will Cotton

It's like someone built a Large Hadron Collider smack in the middle of a bakery, and it spawned a black hole which sucked all the cake toward the center of the room and someone snapped a picture just before the entire earth was sucked in and all of humanity as we know it met its dooooom!

[pushing up glasses]

But it's totally NOT nerdy.

So, there you have it. Next weekend Jen and I will be at Dragon*Con (watch Twitter to find us & win prizes!), so it's probably safe to assume that there may be a nerd cake or three. Prepare thyself!

*These statements have not been evaluated by the entire nerd community and may only apply to the author of this post, john (the hubby of Jen), who likes to refer to himself in the third person. Which is quite nerdy, if you think about it.

Perfectly Punctual

Anyone who claims punctuation doesn't matter has clearly never read Eats, Shoots & Leaves.

Or seen any of these cakes.


Well, well, well, "Emily." (IF that's your REAL name.) Just what are we celebrating here, hmm? Perhaps a sham cover operation for impostor Hello Kitty cakes?


Parenthetically speaking, can we all please agree that parentheses really never belong on a cake?

The fact that the left side looks like a "C" isn't helping.

Then again, I bet this group of birthday gals was the most popular party at the restaurant. ("Hollaback, girls!")

You know what they say: "The only thing that conveys exuberance better than an ellipsis...

[sing-song] "...is a peeer-iod!"

And there was much rejoicing.

No, seriously. You should have SEEN this rejoicing. It was off the hook. Totally crazy.

Of course, for the Wreckerators who aren't satisfied with traditional, "real" punctuation, there's always one of these options:

That thing after the "Wow" is called a dinglehopper.

And this is the "wavelamation":

See how well it distracts from the misspelling? You can barely see the "differance!"

Nichole P., Lisa M., Luisa F., Rebekah, Millco, & Vanessa B., maybe we should all start using Victor Borge's phonetic punctuation while ordering:

Sure, it won't help any, but I'd pay good money to see someone try.


And by "good money," I mean a nickel.

Great Wrecks In Store

Loyal Henchpersons, it has come to my attention that some of you are now concerned about ordering a cake. You feel there's no hope; that you're doomed to receiving a Wreck no matter what precautions you take. And for some strange reason, I feel a little responsible for this.

Well, good news, cake consumers: I'm here to restore your confidence! That's right: we're going to take a little field trip over to the local grocer's bakery. C'mon.

[pulling into parking lot] Aw, look! That must be the decorator's car! See, now that is an artist who takes his craft seriously.

Don't worry; I'm sure "CACE" is just an acronym.

Or a pun.

Or...something.

Look, the point is, this is a decorator who's not afraid to take "risks" for his art! And if you don't believe me, just look where he parked:

See?

Well, let's head into the store now, shall we?

[heading down main aisle]

Oooh, check it out! There's a sale on...er...wait. What does that say?

Ok, I can see you're getting a little concerned here. And, yes, three of the five words in the product name are misspelled. But, hey, they got "air" and "Febreze" right and those are tough! Besides, I'm sure the bakery employees are much more literate.

In fact, let's get over there; we have a cake to order!

Well, it's nice to know their ingredients may or may not be certifiable. Like I always say, a little mystery adds spice to life! Right? [elbowing ribs] Right?

[arriving at bakery counter] Ah, here we are! Now, let's get that cake ordered!

Hey, where are you going?

Get back over here!

C'mon, I'm sure the cake will be FINE. Don't be such a worry-wart!

Tell you what: I'll tell the nice employee here what we want, and you go grab some candles, ok? Meet you back here in five.


[five minutes later]


Oh, good, you found the candles! So...why don't you look happy?

Ah. Well...on the bright side, I doubt our decorator had anything to do with this! Heheheh - no?

Look, just to prove to you that everything is going to be alright, I got a copy of the order form the baker submitted for us. I'm sure once you look it over, all your concerns will be gone.

Um. We did want to be "Drawed a picture of a Thrown," right?

No?

Well, drat. I guess now we just hope for the best; they said it'd be done in just a few minutes...

A-ha! See? What'd I tell you? Nothing to worry about at ALL.

Oh, quit complaining: a double inscription means double the fun!

And centering is boring.

And teal is kind of like "royal blue." In as much as it's blue. Ish.

And it only looks a little like a shower chair toilet thingy.

And...hey, where are you going? We still have to add the candles! Come back!

Well, Wreckies, I hope this little excursion has helped allay your fears of professional cake ordering. Now go forth, and order cakes!

And maybe bring your cameras. You know, just in case.


Tesha W., Cathy W., Amanda D., Noelle R., Maggie C., Morgan W., & Penske, I guess that order was such a royal pain that it blue right past the wreckerators and had them throne for a loop. So I guess we'll call it a "drawed."

A Lesson in Español

Hola! Hello! I'm Dora! Soy Dora! Can you say Dora? Muy bueno! Will you join me on my cake adventure today? Soy un mucho kaka adventuroso el manana? Si! Vamos!


Oh no! Boots has escaped from my backpack and is lost in the woods! El sabatos escapada en la foresta. Will you help me find him?

...

Great! Let's put on our magic masks that will help us find Boots! El findos de monkey!


Perfecto! Can you say "serial killer?" голяма работа! Now we can see through the trees and find Boots! El seeya de fromage en ravioli!

Look! There he is! Vous les vous en la baguette, sil vous plait!

C'mon, Boots! Jump back into my backpack! We can continue our adventure! Donde esta el gato caliente gordita en la bicyclette!

Oh no! Boots got scared and ran further into the woods! We need to find him! Mondo monkey lookey lookey!

Hurry! Que mucha don Toyota Hyundai von Schmellingberg! Senor nacho libre des sombrero el Salma Hayek? Dos frijoles! Mucho grande!

Hey! There's Boots now! He's made it through the woods and is flying a plane back home! El esta makey no sense at allos! Let's catch a ride!


Thanks for the ride, Boots! It's great to have you back home. Willkommen to los hermana! We wouldn't have found you without the help from our viewers at home! Son tan estupidos!

I'm so happy! Feliz cumpleaños!

Come back next week, mi amigos, when Boots and I go to night school! Soy en dos tres dental hygienists! Adios!

Por favor don esta el Tori, Lauren H., Rachel W., Kat D., Danielle B., e Dan H. Muy grande el biadorenos le trejamos via monkeytown! (As far as I know, "biadorenos le trejamos" translates into nothing at all... just to save you time on Google translate.)

Update!

John's helpful translation guide.
Hola- I'm pretty sure that means hello.
Backpack- That's a type of sack you wear over your shoulders.
Baguette- A type of bread.
Feliz cumpleaños- Merry Christmas.
Por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas- No idea.

Here's Your Sprinkles

Sprinkles:

Doin' it wrong:

"Wow, that's a lot of sprinkles."

Doin' it wronger:

"Wow, that's a lot of...

"Waaait a minute.

"Is that... paper?"

It IS!!

Not cool, man. Not. Cool.

Sorry, Anne-Marie and Katie W.; I guess one of you still can't have any.


Update: If you can't tell, the bottom cake is an edible photocopy of sprinkles. Yupperdoodles.

I Never Inhaled

This was ordered for a school competition called the Academic Decathlon:

Or, as Wreckerators know it, "AcPec."

Now, I'd like to say that at least they spelled "capitalize" right, buuuut...

they didn't.


*sigh*

The following is a dramatization. The Wreck, however, is very real.

Bakery: "Yello!"

Jenny C.: "Hi, I'd like a cake with 'Happy Birthday' on it."

Bakery: "Sure! Anything else?"

Jenny C: [shaking head] "Just 'Happy Birthday'."

Bakery: "Okey dokey!"

*sigh*

Two friends nicknamed Frizz and Kermit ask a baker to hold a blank cake for them while they finish their shopping. The baker agrees, and sticks a hold tag on the box.

What happened next? Only the Wrecker knows.

"On hold regularly."

Well that clears things up.

*sigh*

And finally, Anda ordered a couple of cakes for a birthday party. To keep it simple, she asked for the same inscription on both. Which is exactly what she got.

Yep, despite the fact that the Wreckerator wrote "bath," s/he actually did write the same thing on both. I don't have a photo of the second cake, but Anda assures me it looked a lot like this:

Really.

And the kicker?

The store refused to fix them.

Why?

Because - waaaait for it - that's what she asked for.

Really.

All together now: *sigh*

Kristy M., Jenny C., Ellen K., & Anda S., this post would make a great breathing exercise. :)