When Brides Have No Budget (Or Taste)

Obviously someone needed to rein in this woman during the wedding planning. What kind of ego does it require to commission a life-sized replica of yourself in cake? But what really baffles me is this: the details are exact right down to the hair clip, so what the heck is UP with that tacky red rick-rack down the skirt of the cake? "Sure, we hand-painted a matching bodice-design, copied the make-up and hairstyle, and have identical veils - but then we thought this giant rick-rack would add just the right extra touch!" ?!?

Obviously Bridezilla shares my opinion: she's eying that red trim with murder in her eyes.

This Made Me Laugh 'Til I Cried

So I was putzin' around on google image search, looking at cakes, of course, when I stumbled across this picture:

Which, you know, made me kind of curious.

So I went to the originating site of the photo and read the corresponding blog post. It's written by Scott of Basic Instructions, which you should definitely check out sometime. Anyway, by the time I finished reading his post I was crying with laughter, and I knew I could not post his cake photo without the whole story attached. I e-mailed him and got his permission, and so without further ado, here it is:

"I had a day job as an office manager for the Seattle office of an international firm. We found out that one of our employees was transferring to one of our offices in China. When one of our people would leave, we usually had a little wing-ding with drinks and cake on the departing employee's last Thursday in the office, so on Tuesday it fell to me to fax a cake order into our nearest Costco Bakery.

I should point out that on that day I had a headache so bad that it hurt to move my eyes. Ordering the cake was the last thing I did before I went home sick for the afternoon. As I filled out the order form, I realized that in addition to the personalized message ("Good Luck in China," in this case) we could also get a large decoration for no extra charge. I looked at the options and none of them were appropriate. They were all things like teddy bears, balloons, or race cars. Crap, in other words. I figured if none of them were appropriate, I might as well get something that made no sense whatsoever.

I put a check mark next to the word "Fireman."

The next morning (Wednesday), lying in bed just before getting up, my mind wandered over the previous day and all the things I had accomplished. My eyes snapped open as I thought, "What did I do!? Why did I order a fireman? That makes no sense!!! I'm going to look like an idiot!"

I went to work, intent on calling the Costco as soon as they opened and stopping the cake before it started. I still had a day before I was supposed to pick it up. I figured that should be plenty of time. After some effort, I got hold of the bakery manager, only to be told that the cake had already been made. It was too late. I figured I'd just have to stand up straight and take it like a man.

My wife and I went to Costco to pick up the cake. When I got to the bakery, this is what was waiting for me.

(see above picture)

Making the hose flesh-toned had been a very bad move.

At first all I could do was blink at it and wonder, "Am I the only one who sees a giant wang?" I looked at my wife. She was blinking at the cake. An awkward silence and a few stammered sentences later we established that we both saw the same thing. A fireman holding an immense, dripping wang.

I could not serve this cake to my coworkers.

My first thought was that I would just absorb the cost of a second cake and pretend this never happened. Then I thought, "Wait a minute! This is not an erotic bakery! This is Costco! I should be able to order any stupid cake I want and be confident that it will not be sexually charged."

While at the checkout line I found a Costco employee to complain to, and showed him the cake. He blinked at it. I told him I was uncomfortable serving this cake at a place of business, and he started laughing and looking relieved.

Here’s what I came to realize about the cake. The obscene image was just obvious enough that you can't help but recognize it, but also obviously innocent enough that you don't want to say anything for fear that you're the only one who sees it.

Soon I was surrounded by several Costco employees who were looking at the cake and laughing. They explained that they had a new cake decorator who was a deeply religious woman from a foreign country, as if that explained everything. At one point while we were hammering out a settlement a woman happened by, caught a glimpse of the cake, covered her mouth and gasped. Good stuff."

Some Cakes Need No Commentary

Apocalypse Cake

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Quick, someone make a cake!

Yes, there's nothing quite like plummeting balloons and unconscious clowns to celebrate your own personal apocalypse. Anyone have some radiation-free milk to go with?

When Evil Commercial Fishermen Marry

All that's missing is a little icing net draped over the guys at the bottom - and is that a pool of monochromatic blood? Creeeepy.

The Most Disturbing Cake EVER

[NOTE - The original photo was removed at the baker's request. This cake is merely a similar style, to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. ;) ]

Great burrowing baby bottoms, Batman!

Wow. Here's a cake you could never photograph from the backside, eh? (Get it, "backside"?) Seriously, let's count the ways in which this cake is oh-so-wrong, shall we?

1) There is a baby butt on it
2) There is no corresponding baby head to the baby butt
3) To be in this position, the baby would have to be buried alive inside the cake (aw, what a cute concept!)
4) Two lucky individuals are going to get to play "These Little Piggies" with their mouths
5) Did I mention there is a baby butt on it?


Karen F., bottom's up!

Whoah

I was at a loss for words to describe this cake, so I plugged in the word "hideous" to my trusty thesaurus. I still didn't find any silver bullets, but here's my best shot:

This cake is appallingly distasteful.

Eh?

Doubly Sad

The fact that this cake was inscribed by a color-blind and apparently epileptic geriatric is sad enough, but check out the background: the birthday girl was also IN THE HOSPITAL. Wow. Way to cheer up the birthday girl, there, folks.

Gee, thanks, "kids".

I'm not really sure what the "20th" denotes: 20 years of being a "dad"? 20 "children"? Or maybe the cake is for the 20th "dad" to come along? Eh?

Regardless, any cake decorator who thinks the title Dad deserves quotation marks probably needs therapy. Or an English lesson. One of those two, anyway.

Poor Bunjamioh

Not only did his parents saddle him with that awful name, but he also got one of the ugliest birthday cakes this side of fuglyville. Check out the mismatched neon orange borders, burgundy roses (for that feminine touch), and rotting swamp-mud colored leaves.

Take heart, Bunni; when you're 18 you can change your name AND buy your own birthday cake.

Time to Par-Tay

'Cuz it a gril!

This cake takes itself not only for the spelling and grammar errors, but for its cringe-inducing color choices and script execution. Bravo!


Thanks to Erin A. for the photo!

Speaking of Weeding...

How about weeding out the illiterate cake decorators?
This is someone's ACTUAL wedding cake, people. So stop laughing; it's tragic. Really. Well, in a funny, unintentionally ironic kind of way...

Comguads!

What, no exclamation mark?

Today we salute you, Mr. Grocery-Store-Cake-Decorator

(singing) "Mr. Grocery Store Cake Decor-A-TOR!!!"

Yes, when faced with the challenge of your own stupidity, you valiantly ice on, turning that perfect-yet-mistakenly-crafted "2" into a not-so-perfect-but-still-reasonably-acceptable "4"...

(background singing: "ooo, make mine in chocolate!")

So here's to you, Mr. or Mrs. Grocery Store Cake Decorator: although perhaps you should lay off the Bud Light while you're at work.

(Fading Out: "Mr. or Mrs. Grocery Store Cake Decoraaaaatoooor!")

The Cake That Started It All...

"...And underneath that, write 'We will miss you'. Got it?"

Oh yeah, they got it.

Submission "Guidelines"

1) The Wreck MUST have been professionally made. That means someone somewhere actually paid for the cake. (We go by the theory that if you're paid to do it, you're a "professional".)

2) What NOT to send: excessively gory or obscene cakes (kitty-litter cakes included), or anything you were forwarded by e-mail (trust me: whatever it is, I've seen it).

3) If possible, rather than sending me a whole website link, pick some of your favorites and just send me the links to those.

4) I generally credit submitters by first name and last initial. If you don't want your name attached, be sure to mention that in the e-mail. If you do want you name attached, make sure your name is written somewhere in the e-mail.

5) Don't have a wreck, but just want to say "hi"? Please do! I absolutely LOVE hearing from all of you!

6) I've reached the point now where I can no longer answer every single e-mail. This is both good (lots of e-mails) and bad (no time to answer them all). So, if you're just submitting a cake photo, you may not hear back from me personally. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

7) Fellow bloggers: no need to ask my permission to link to Cake Wrecks; feel free. (And thanks for all the shout-outs!)

Thanks, all!

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