Ghost Taunters

"Hello and welcome to Ghost Investigator Dudes. I'm Brad Johnson, a frat boy jock who isn't afraid of ANYTHING and enjoys taunting the afterlife by yelling challenges into empty cellars.

"With me are Joey..."

"Yo!"

"...and Mike."

"Yo!"

"Today we're here at the old Chattanooga asylum, where, like, a bunch of people died 'n stuff and we're totally gonna lock ourselves in all night and see what happens and film everything with shaky pocket infrared cameras and bad sound equipment.

"Awright, let's get started! So we're going down to the dungeons to...

"WHOA!!! Something touched me! Dude! Did you get that on camera?!?"

"No."

"Aw, dude."

(Geeet oooouuuut!!)

"Righteous. So, like, now we're going down into the kitchens where they kille..."

"WHOA!!! Did you see that?"

"No."

"There! In the corner! Were you filming?"

"Sorry, man, no - but I did feel a little cold just then."

"Duuude."

(No seeeeeriously. Geeeet oooouuuut!!!)

"Shyah. That was, like, almost totally spiritual. So, check it! The caretaker here says there's this dog? That's like a ghost? That haunts the library and kills people? So we should totally go there."

"Whoa!"

*beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeeeep*

"Did you *beeeep*'n see that?!?"

[camera swinging wildly, sound of scuffling feet]

*beeeeep*

"Dude, tell me you got that on tape!!"

"Sorry, bra. It was pointed at the floor."

"Whoa."

(I kill you!!)

"Ok, so, like, there's a wedding chapel in this asylum that's, like, totally haunted, right? And a bunch of people died there last week so, like, let's turn off all our lights and point our cameras at the floor."

[girlish shriek]

"DUDE! I saw something move!"

"Something walked by me!!"

"Someone's massaging my shoulders!!!"


(Well, hello there.)

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Thanks to Emily L., Jessica L., Leslie H., Urvashi, & Tama, but we still don't know what happened to André.

Babel Fish Needed

You know that optical illusion that looks like an old woman one way, and a young girl the other?

Well, this cake is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike that.

So far I've assembled a list of 42 different words that this might be, including "@Loehoe," "Soekuc,"and "Slartibartfast." And yes, so far as I know, this is supposed to be "English."

Anyway, I've given up.

In fact, I can't help but be impressed by this individual's cryptography skills. Hey NSA, I've got your next Enigma machine right here! Think about it: for the cost of a piping bag and some chocolate, you'll never have to fear Wikileaks again. Eh?

So long, Jackie W., and thanks for all the fish.


Achtung!!! Es tut mir leid; Ich bin eine Sachertorte! Fahrvergnügen! Neenër neenër!

In Moderation

Each day here on Cake Wrecks, we get literally tens of comments. Some days, if the post is particularly funny (read: offensive) we get even more. And, most of the time, these comments fall into one of several categories. Let's take a look, shall we?

Good commenters
--------------------------------------
The Enthusiast:

"BWAHAHAHAHA!!! LOVE IT!!! I literally threw up a little bit in my mouth, spit coffee all over my keyboard, and peed my pants. BEST. POST. EVAH!!!"


The Informer:

"The design on cake #2 is actually a perfect reproduction of the ficus remidius leaf found in Northern Kentucky between the months of June and August in a little patch of forest near Lake Onomakahatitikaka.

"Nice post, though."


The Optimist:

"At least the writing is pretty! And the balloons don't look like sperm!"


The Storyteller:

"Great post! It reminds me of this trip I took to Prague in 1982 with my cousin's roommate and Charlie Sheen. It was the dead of winter, I had a sombrero and a waffle iron and only four bullets left in my clip, and...well, to make a long story short, I still don't know what happened to that hooker's pet monkey."


Bad commenters
---------------------------------------

The Name Builder:

"Mike Johnson thinks this cake is terrible. Mike Johnson can't believe it. Mike Johnson wouldn't eat that cake if someone gave it to Mike Johnson for Mike Johnson's birthday! Mike Johnson Mike Johnson Mike Johnson Mike Johnson"


The Newbie:

"Um, I'm pretty sure that's "Epcot" from Disney (you can tell by the Disney font), and I don't see ANY daisies. Plus, what's the deal with those babies sitting on carrots? Looks a bit off, if you ask me."


The Spammer:

"Thank you for the information! Very informative! Free Viagra! Free Nikes! Buy Pharmacy Meds Cheap! Jessica Alba Nude!"

Thanks to Ticia, Darla D., Kelli P., Lauren H., Amanda J., Drew C., & Melissa K., who will now all be leaving wholly original comments about Charlie Sheen's new pet monkey.

Tonight at the Lucky Stardust Lounge

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"...to me."

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

[Leaning on piano]

"You... are... soooo beautiful..."

"...to meeee."

"The Goldmans, everyone! Fifty years today! Aren't they adorable?

"Can't you SEEE-EEE-EE?!?"

[sliding to front of stage on knees]

"You're... ev'ry-thing I HOPED for!"

[grimacing in pain]

"You're EVERYTHING I neeeeeeeeee..."

"...eeEEED!"

[winking at waitress]

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"Toooo... meeeeEEEEE."

Thank you, Nia C., Krystal C., Karen R., Julie R., Alison V., and Joshua P. Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you. Really. You're too much. Thank you. Tip your waitress!

Sunday Sweets: That Takes The Cake 2011

Ah, Austin. That sweet, funky town in the middle of a state that yearns for my death. I can actually feel its beady little state eyes glaring at me from here, waiting for me to fly over its borders so it can shoot down my plane with its state death ray. Or maybe make my spleen burst. Or - OR - maybe I'll just choke on a Texas peanut. But, I digress.

So, apparently, there's this "cake show" in Austin where bakers make cakes and show them. Which is why it's called a "cake show." And apparently, many of these cakes are freaking awesome. Let's take a look, shall we?

By Susie's Victorian Cakes

Wow.

No, seriously. Wow.

(You may have noticed by this point that I'm not all that "good" with "words" but I am "trying.")

Hey, look!

By Carley King

Yellow is my favorite color!

Ya know, what's most impressive to me is that these bakers actually left the relative safety of their own homes and, as far as I know, Texas did not kill a single one of them. Frankly, I'm amazed.

By Chris Suson Wingler

Green is my favorite color!

Sidenote: Can anyone confirm that there were, in fact, Official Texas State zombies roaming the streets outside the show? Just curious.

Ooooh...

By Top That! Cake Designs

I'm pretty sure those are daisies.


This next cake was part of the official Texas theme of the show:

By Ashlee Trotter

Which was death.


Wait. I'm being told that it actually wasn't death.

(Are you sure? It was in Texas, right?

Huh.)

Ok, apparently the theme was "Superheros."

Like this one:

By Kimberly Chapman

Great. Now I have the theme from "Batman" stuck in my head.

(I'm also not so good with "Superheros.")

He looks like he's ready to kill me. Clearly, he is from Texas.

By Cakes by Cassandra

Blue is my favorite color!

Speaking of blue, I've heard that smallpox is especially bad in Texas this time of year.

Look! Birds!

By Laura Finlay

So young. So angry. Darn that rap music.

The helmet is to prevent Texas bird flu.

And finally, the most awesome cake I've seen in quite some time:

By Susie's Victorian Cakes

Because, if you remember from up there ^, yellow is my favorite color!

Those elephants look so life-like! Like they're about to trample me.

Clearly, they come from dysfunctional families.

Or they're from Texas.

A special thanks to our Texas liaison, Kimberly Chapman. And hey, maybe next year Jen and I will be able to attend the show! (They rent out the Popemobile, right?)


Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Several of the above photographs courtesy of Lynn Moore of Flip Images.

Quick update: Thanks for the great comments today guys. For the record, Jen and I both agree that Texans are some of the kindest, most awesome people we have met. However, I've been to Alamo, Houston, Amarillo, Dallas and Austin and been sick, injured or hospitalized every time. But maybe it's just me... -j

Wreckies of the Month: The Cake-Free Edition!

Most of the time our Wreckies of the Month submit pictures of cakes, but not today's readers! Nope, they got a *lot* more creative.

First up, Carmen L. was actually inspired by a Sweet, not a wreck. This one:

(Made by Yukiko, aka Rosey Sugar)

So inspired, in fact, that Carmen incorporated that scrollwork pattern into one of the prettiest tattoos I've seen:

Isn't it gorgeous?

Here's a close-up:

See the tulip-shape with the curls inside? That's the design from the cake!


Next, prepare for an assault of astounding adorable-tude!!

It's a double cute attack!

Now, the one on the left is a cake I featured in this post of Super Mario Sweets. The one on the right is a handmade plush by the über talented Emma R. of Felt Original Toys. She spent six months making it, y'all. SIX MONTHS. And all because I asked someone to make me a plush of that cake. Not that I get it, of course - Emma's not *that* crazy - but the pictures are more than enough to make me grin like a loon.

Here's a close-up, so you can see all the painstakingly precise hand-stitching:

And lookit little Mario!

SO. CUTE.

Ok, my final reader spotlight today is the extreme opposite of "cute," so if you're enjoying basking in the glow of pastel stars and squishy, huggable cakes, you might want to skip it. Or take a moment to brace yourself before scrolling down. [evil grin]

Ready?

Ok, here goes.

Soo...remember that horrific meatloaf baby cake thing I posted way back when? Yes? Seared into your memory for all time? Haha! Yeah, I thought so.

Well, a lot of you sick, sick people had one thought and one thought only: What did it look like after it was cooked?

And, "lucky" for you, loyal minion Jessica K. is here to help.

Before:

[shudder]

Aaaannnnd....

After:

Any questions?

(Besides "do you have ketchup?" I mean.)

News Bites

It's time again for Headlines, Cake Wrecks style.

"Dolphin leaps into boat, lands on woman"

So I guess that's the last time Lisa sings Mariah Carey songs on deck.

"Snake gets silicone poisoning after biting woman's fake gazoonga"

It's a [booby] trap!

"Ohio boy creates and sells 'manly' scented candles."

Best-sellers include:

"Man Valley's Toot Sweet"

"Whispers of Warthog"

And the top seller, "Pink Pirate."

For manly men who enjoy the scent of rum, brine, cedar, and - of course - cotton candy.

"Russian bomb squad called in to defuse sex toy"

Or maybe it was a microphone.

Which, come to think of it, would explain that really obscene PA announcement the other day...

Thanks to Alyssa B., Kathy B., Haley L., Jodi B., Camille W., and Naresh S., who think karaoke night just got a lot more interesting.

MEGAWIZARDDRAGONANIMEBABECON!

Are you ready, Muskogee County? 'Cuz this weekend...IS...

MEGAWIZARDDRAGONANIMEBABECON!
presented by Bass Pro Shops and Fashion Bug

That's right, freaks n' geeks, the MWDABC has it all!

- Bazillions of "A" list celebrities, like that guy that guest starred on Buffy that time! (You know, the one with the hair? Yeah, that one!!)


- Amazing costumes!

(By Brian Fishman who has a fantastic sense of humor)

Note: please wear amazing costumes.

Also, body paint is allowed, and even encouraged...

...on females.

- The largest Vendor Room this side of Gallifrey, where you'll find every comic book, funny hat, or authentic-movie-replica sword you've ever dreamed of!

NOTE: actual merchandise may differ from promotional imagery.

Like so.

- HUGE role-playing tournament area!

WOW, gamers, this room is to "die" for!

- Vow renewals!


NOTE: Additional fee applies. Cake not included. Choice of action figure wedding toppers include Watchmen (shown above) and Spock n' Leia:

"Love is illogical."

"I know."

- Back by popular demand, the "Picard Maneuver" photo opportunity!

NOTE: Additional fee applies. Reasonable Picard facsimile may be substituted. All rights reserved. MWDABC will not be held responsible for any communicable diseases contracted while participating in the Picard maneuver photo opportunity.

- And, fellas, don't forget all the bodacious booth babes just waiting to have their pictures taken with you!

"For the last time, no, we DON'T know when Slave Leia is coming back. Now, do you want a picture or not?"

Plus, don't miss our featured events:

SMACKDOWN!!

with

Lou Ferrigno!

NOTE: Mr. Ferrigno will not be appearing in costume. Nor will he be smacking anything.

And Val Kilmer!

NOTE: Mr. Kilmer actually will be appearing in his original Batman costume.
We're not sure why.

- And finally, be sure to check out our exclusive appearance by the one and only William Shatner! Who may or may not be performing his iconic "Rocket Man!" (Assuming we can find enough cigarettes.)

He's a ROCK. IT. MAN.

The MEGAWIZARDDRAGONANIMEBABECON:

Make It So.

Thanks to Kimberly C., Theresa, Jaclyn C., Talia B., River W., Barb I., Kelli G., Teresa M., Lucy V., Missy B., & Clau...

And a happy belated briday to the Shat.

Oh, and now that I've got you all pumped for a con, I should note that there really *is* a scifi convention in Orlando this weekend, and John and I are totally going. See you there, fellow Florida geeks!